We're all human

I thought I grew up. Guess I misjudged. I can no longer let myself be bothered by what people think. When it comes down to it, I know all I care about is what's true in myself and those I love.
Where will the rest come into play, all those late night epiphanies that I have to change the world. Come morning they are but a dream. I still try, in my own way to make things easier on people, I would rather hurt, then to hurt others. But I do it, with grace. Makes me feel real bad. I think I'm so busy trying to either have fun or make sure that every one around me is having fun that I lost touch with how I really feel. (looking back to this entry, I have to stop and ask myself, "who cares"). To me, growing up means, getting to know WHO you are, and what your about. values, beliefs, religion, love, and all the other fun stuff. Well, I know WHO I am, I just don't understand why it's all changing. Guess it comes with growing up.

just a thought here.

Dont wanna carry the burden of you,
I just want to put your weight on my mind and help you walk through,
Dont wanna have to be cruel to make you see whats true,
I just want to scream in your face until mine turns blue,
Dont wanna love you anymore than I do,
In the end it'll be me that needs to be carried too.

I let ya know when I find life's answers.
You know what the best part is? My biggest fear in life is going mentally insane. The beauty of it is, crazy people are just that crazy and they don't know that they are crazy, because they are crazy. So when it finally creeps fully into my brain, I think It'll be the best time of my life. Smile, sanity's short.
peace.

Nice day today, finally felt like summer. Took the jeep out in the woods with some old friends for a nice ride. Did a little swimming and tried to understand my current relationship and how we got to where we are now.

I know you've all been there, once the newness of it all wears off, things change. He doesn't seem to see how jelouse he is....and can act out of control. We're facing a big problem right now, his father had a problem with alcohol when the bf was just a lad. It seems history is repeating itself. I had noticed this long before he and I began our relationship, when friendship was still our game. He drinks and gets miserable. Not all the time, not when everything around him is good. But when there is any outside problem, it comes into play and mixes with the alcohol and its hell. Worst of all, most when morning comes, he doesn't remember much. I've never really been in a situation like this before and I'm not sure what steps to take. He drinks too fast, and too much. It's not an every night thing, but it's just about every night that we do go out and drink. I want to help. I don't know how strong I can be, especially when most of my world is revolved around playing music, or going to see live bands, at bars, and being with my friends. So, there ya have it. I refuse to over analyze this right now, it just feels better to put some things down in print. Ahh, therapy.

here i sit, it's 92 degrees on in my corner of PA and not a thing i can do about it. i love the hot weather, but by coincidence unbenounced to me, i am sick...head cold. so here i sit staring at the computer for what is to be my last sat. spent in this apt.

recently a friend of mine for a few years and i decided to take our relationship to the next level, in two months we were engaged and living together. so sweet, and so much love, or so it seemed. we tried too hard and let it happen too fast, so, i am moving back home to mom and dad, same city, just didn't think i'd end up home again.

i've been living on my own or with roommates for four years now. i can't say that at 24 i am embarrassed to move back home, my parents are the most incredible people i know. musically inclined and open minded, and good christians. couldn't ask for a better set, but my brother is still home at 26 and i just feel that its our time to let them have their time. they are welcoming me back with open arms and i'm looking forward to sitting back for a bit and getting an outside perspective on my life and where i want to be. so i'll keep you posted on my findings.

now, no longer engaged me and my other half (Larry) are still going to try and be together, ya know, see where it goes. the main thing lacking in our relationship is his disbelief in God and faith. i'm no holy roller, but i do indeed read the bible and have my own set of christian values. and i know that there is a place for my soul after my body stops working. i cant imagine believing in anything else. so these next few nights are our last as living together, and i'd like to enjoy it without any bull shit or petty fighting, (i'll also keep you posted on that). (date: Sept. 17: yeah, we yelled like children for the last few nights, all night).

tonight i'm heading up to the local bar, my favorite place to see an incredible grateful dead cover band, have a few drinks, puff a little and enjoy my friends. it's all in good fun, what can i say we're all human. until next time.....