We're all human

Friday night, five people, two of which drank entirely too much. I will spare the two of any embarrassing detail. But if you'd like to see how one of which enjoyed their ride home please click www.picturethisplease.blogspot.com. Warning not for the weak of stomach.

The music was incredible and the hall itself was out of hand. I'd go again, even with two drunk somethingorothers.

Other than that the weekend was a bust, had a lot of pain so I did a lot of sleeping. I will head out tonight if it kills me. I'm battling within my head over friends and lovers and friends who lie and things that don't make sense and wont no matter how hard I try.

I had a dream that I died, actually I had two separate dreams but one of which I remember and the other, just the memory of waking and trying to remember. My spirit was actually lifting out of my body as I headed for what looked like a bright hole in the ceiling, the closer I drifted the bigger the whole got and I looked down at a young man, blonde hair, (no one in particular that I can recall), and he looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and said that he loved me. I said the same as I smiled and floated up into the hole which indeed was filled with light.

When I think about dying I get scared, so I don't think about it. I'm not afraid of where I'm going or how so much as I am as to what I will FEEL like inside. I think this dream has dissipated those fears. It was peaceful and to my suprise I woke up back into this real world of mine.

Saturday I got too high for myself and did the Fake Plastic Trees repeat thing. I wrote a letter that I've tried to write too many times before. This time I think I said it all right, for this is the first time that I didn't lie to myself or to the addressee. I need to share it, some times I hold things in for too long for fear of losing frienships that are fragile in every way. Anymore, the only way I can see fit to actually feel like I'm feeling agian, in the moment and in this container that is my body is to express it all, get it all out and go from there. Not many can understand, I don't wish anyone to actually. I don't need confirmation that I am in more ways than one unsure of what my purpose is to others. I'll try. I'll breathe. I'll beg, plead, and borrow explinations. Maybe expecting more from myself is the only motivation I need to get more from me.

The days are getting crazier as the week progresses. Today we've got one dr.'s appt. down and one to go. Tomorrow, work, then off to Philly with bright eyes to see Bright Eyes. Saturday, help brother Dink move in with girlfriend then plans with Billibus. Then Sunday I shall SLEEP.

I'm getting the winter shut in jitters. It's at that point in the season where Spring seems so far away. I'm dreaming back to all those solo hikes I took last year. Quite fires, cans of soup, a pen and paper and blissful surroundings. There is nothing I love more then a backpack full of provisions a pair of comfortable shoes and off trail discoveries. I will not let myself get too down. I know warmer days are to come.

I've come to understand what kind of people my personality needs to be around. Weeding out the bad and bringing in breaths of fresh air. That is what you are, a breath of fresh air. Some day I will be able to put it into better words, but I hope you catch my drift. Drifting into new patterns of living.

I haven't written anything of substance in some time. Lacking the green leaf to put me back into that mode.

I wanted to sing tonight, but my voice is shot from late night Labatte's. We'll see if it clears up during this day. Ah. Breathe.

"No big differences these days, just the same old Walkaways....someday I'm gonna stay, but not today."

Thanks to DD. Guess we'll ride down this river together and see if it leads to the ocean. His willingness to make this happen inspires me to be the better person I once was. I don't think I've traveled too far off my path. I have to admit that I have relieved memories for more than weeks at a time, but I feel the need no more.

I saw Oprah yesterday. Blah blah, laugh if you must but I did and it was about miracle love's. It made me sad, just for the simple fact that so many of these "miracle loves" were people who were high school sweethearts or first loves who for one reason or another lost that person. So they go on about their lives and get married and have children and still dream of these first loves and boom, then they're divorced and by some act of God they get reunited with these lost loves and live happily ever after. I have a question for you all, if you knew it was right then, and you live through years of not truly being happy because of this lost love, why not go for it. Why create false families with houses and husbands and children. Sure we all make mistakes but if your living your life wishing for the past, then go back and get it. I can't say much more on the subject then that for reasons most of you know. Honestly aren't you then not giving the one you are with yourself completely? Especially when you know you have all of their love, and you, deep down, are only giving the percent that isn't still in love in the past?

Well, I am happy and that is mine to enjoy, and I am. Sincerity is some thing that I've never truly believed even if the other half seemed it or said they were, until now. I see it and I can feel it. It makes me absorb every word spoken and every look.

Fear may sit at the pit of my stomach but I will get past it, because I know it will be worth it. If it ends in flames, then it does. The experience alone is normally what I live for. To learn. I think I've learned a lot, and have been through enough to know what I'm doing, for the most party anyway. Smiles!!

This week is full of Dr.'s appt. for my Aunt. Not only is she Epileptic, but she's miserable. I have to admit that her life has not been full of much joy, but I believe in finding the good in every situation, or at least try to. Helping her to the car today, and watching her struggle just to get through a small inch of snow made me realize a few things. My body is young, and after I dropped her off I pulled over into where the pit usually is for the races, I got out of the car, and I ran around like a nut for a few minutes. It felt damn good.

I'M GOING TO BONNAROO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited, I was supposed to go last year, but made a decision against it for the sake of a relationship. I can't say that it was a mistake but regrets never help one to appreciate today. So I'm so psyched. Good bands, great company, it's sure to be a memorable event.

Last night I finally watched Vanilla Sky with Dave. It was a real good movie, had me up all hours last night thinking about it. I'm sure to watch it again. Then he turned me on to some new music which I always enjoy.

Lips rock and send shivers down a spine I once lost, but found shortly thereafter. I'm proud of myself for not hiding away anymore and am truly making an effort in every way. Never in the past ten years of my dating experience would I of gone to a party where I knew I would know no one, and not be afraid. I had fun. I almost feel like I can do anything with the right company. For the sake of not getting too cheesy... I'm out.

Possibly if I can put it into the right words. To start, Saturday's snow storm found me and Dave among others, at Kirby Park with a bunch of sleighs.

So it goes. We get on the sleigh together, me in front, him behind with his legs locked securely around me. We give ourselves a little push with our hands off the snow covered ground. About a third of the way down, the sled decided to leave us and did so with us rolling through the snow down the hill. We get up, wipe the snow off our faces, suck the mucus back up out of visibility and heartily laugh. Go down for the sled and trudge back us the slippery Dyke. After a few solo rides which went smoothly we try again to go down together. This time we switch, I take the caboose and he sits in front of me with my legs wrapped around him. We get a push, and we fly down the slope into the second jump and again land on our asses as the sled finishes without us.....still laughing because we can't get it right,

So we take a break for a walk. Headed down the the river to watch the icy water in all it's wintry splendor. A nice walk with laughter and runny noses and even a snow angel made by Dave himself. On the walk back we tread lightly on the ice below us fearing what may lie beneath it. I must admit, his grip on my arm to keep him from harms way was much tighter then mine on his as he pulled me to the top of the Dyke.

Once back on our slope we decide to ride a sled down together on our way back to the Jeep. No surprises folks, we fell off again.

So I sit here, thinking and smiling. Here is what I find reflection on the day:

This relationship is so new to both of us, new surroundings, new feelings and new situations. We don't know what is to come, tonight, tomorrow, or three more months from now. We couldn't make it down the hill together in the same sled, yet alone we did just fine. But, each time one started to slip walking back up, the others hand was outstretched to help. We didn't get discouraged when we didn't make it after trying to change seating position. We simply tried again. The best realization came to me hours after our sleigh riding adventure had ended, and here it is: The whole time we were tumbling down the hill we never let go of each other, we tumbled together, legs still locked around the one in front, eating the snow the entire way down.

Would that mean anything to the rest of the world? My guess is no. It means a lot to me and I hope he can be warmed by that thought as well. Thanks Dave.

everything else is the same.

Got to do a little sleigh riding last night. Nothing like two female twenty something flying down the dykes backwards at Kirby Park at eighty miles per hour. Got a few bruises but nothing that will compare to tonights sleigh riding festivities. We got a group of adults and a group of kids. Should be fun. Gotta remember to wear more pants tonight.

Life is good, getting married in Sept. to Dave. haha. We're gonna honey moon at the Alden Res. You who don't get it will within the coming week. Learned some interesting facts last night on the color green and broken arms from tree climbing carnage. Learning more each day makes me smile when I close my eyes to sleep at night.

Always worried about you my friends. I wish I could take it all away and send you to Happy Island. You never know what the future may hold, lottery winnings and other wise. Time to play guitar. Peace.

It's good, to have a nice slow meal in the middle of the day when it's dumping white coldness by the inch in your back yard. Sending greetings to friends via the interweb. My thoughts today are cloudy, maybe due to the weather.

For those who don't know, I gave up red meat for New Year's. If I can make it six months I will be happy but some thing tells me that I may make it the full year. I know it's only been nineteen days but already from living on soups and veggies, I feel good. I sleep better, and I wake up not feeling like shit. My theory is that I am always on the go so the easiest meals for me come from a drive up window. Which usually consist of burger and nasty fries. So now I take the time to make some thing good for me. It's nice to feel the blood flow again.

Hormones are out of control, I can't sit still, it's kind of fun.

Suddenly Trevor just came into the room, took me by the hand into the bathroom and showed me the terd he just created. So proudly he looks up at me and says "look Manda, I pooped, now wipe my butt." Life is grand.

Went to the movies last night with Dimple Dave, saw the Aquaic Life of SZ. It was so fucked up Ican't even describe it. Some thing I recommend every one to see once, but that's it. Had fun listening to chain hit the floor and trying to beat the score of naked ladies while Jimmy Page played through Sting Ray seeing old friends of old friends of past loves that I'm proud are in the past.

Don't know what tonight has in store, I'm thinking movies and munchies at Kelly's? Could be.

ALONG THE EDGES, COLORS BLUR AT SEEM FAMILIAR
WHILE YOU READ YOUR MAGAZINE,I WAS COUNTING ALL THE MARKERS.
AND CALIFORNIA SEEMED TO DRAW YOU LIKE A SIRENFROM A POSTCARD, OR A LETTER, IN A FRAME OF FILM MELTING.
BUT UNDER YOU, I HEAR YOUR BREATH MOVE IN, OUT SLOWLY.
UNDER YOU, LET GO COMPLETELY FEELING YOU TAKE OVER ME.
A HOLLYWOOD FLAT WHERE WE'D LAUGH ABOUT OUR FORTUNES WELL WE HELD JOBS IN THIS BAR DOWN AT 3RD AND SAN VICENTE.
AND RAMEN NOODLES AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING, WHEN WE BARELY COULD SURVIVE, I WAS NEVER MORE ALIVE.
UNDER YOU, I FEEL YOUR BLOOD FLOWING OUT SLOWLY.
UNDER YOU, LET GO COMPLETELY FEELING YOU TAKE OVER ME
YOU MOVED IN SLOW DEGREES
A SUDDEN MEMORY
YOU'RE A LEONARD COHEN SONG
BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I'D SWEAR I SEE YOU STANDING ON A SIDEWALK, IN A RESTAURANT, FROM A TAXI CAB PASSING.
UNDER YOU I FEEL YOU MOVING IN/OUT SLOWLY
UNDER YOU LET GO COMPLETELY FEELING YOU TAKE OVER ME. TAKE OVER ME.

and not actually enthused, happy nonetheless. Going back out of town on the eleventh of February, and hoping to drag a few with me as well. It was a good weekend, check out some pics; www.picturethisplease.blogspot.com. It was so good to finally meet the wife of best friend. He will forever be by some bond that no one can understand yet admire.

I'm looking forward to stepping forward, and this game I've created of trying to prove myself to myself has paid off well. I am pleasantly surprised how well I can function outside of my nitch here in the Barre. I'm always trying to make sure that I am the Amanda Jane that I am, and, I am. Good.

I need to try harder for others, I'm slacking, but recognizing that you have a problem is the first step. Yes? I also need to speak more about the real things. It's easy to dodge it all, and just write about it, whether it be here or on an old notebook. Just because I get it out on paper to myself, I expect others to know what's going on in my world, boy am I dumb some times. So if you have questions on me, just ask me, I may stumble for words for a minute or two but I'm not not going to answer.

Home home home. tones of home. You don't like the way I'm livin? Tones of home, tones of home, and so I wave Good-bye and I'm flyin'...I'm flyin' home.

I realized today that I can be me any where, and that I am not afraid of the world as I once was.

I'm out of town, I can breathe here, it's nice to do that. As said by a wise man "Distance from reality creates a broader view." So far, so true. Needed to see if I can be me in a whole nother State, literally. I'm so much more me than I thought I could be. Happy I am. Tonight we go out, meet good times and alcohol. Guess nothing is much different from home aside from names of towns, and faces. Fun, here I come.

It's the middle of January and it's pouring, buckets. So unusual yet so inviting. I didn't run from my car to the front door when I arrived home tonight. I let the rain soak through for a minute. I think it cleared up some fogginess that I had going on upstairs.

He got a call at three in the morning. He didn't hang up, I did. Called back. He has no idea what that phone call meant to me. I don't want it to sound like I base my worldly decisions on a phone call. But I don't open up, I let it build up. I had to let it out, and his patience and words did more to help me then I thought they could when I dialed the phone the second time.

Every part of me knows what I'm getting myself into emotionally. Usually fear sets in by this point and I just turn around, not now. I'm surprised by me reaction to myself. It's pleasing. Do you know how much I think. Any idea? I've never wanted to try so hard to make some one smile. Don't want to get too cheesy here. Thank you. Thank you, thank you Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you....

thanks to u, I realized that I do still have a heart.

Thanks to all who came and helped and played music. It was awesome and meant a lot to Rich, and to me.
The entire weekend was great. Ice Skating and party and White Noise and the Arena for good music,and good company. Last night we played cards at Kelly's and watched movies. Fell asleep next to warm thoughts with Shrek in the background.

Woke up today to snow storm insanity. Good Times

So why am I so frustrated. I feel like there is a ball of fire in the pit of my stomach and I fear how I will extinguish it. Last week Tracy felt the heat from it and this week, I cannot predict. I have no patience and can't breathe. I ask of my friends to please mind my behavior for a few days. People have much bigger problems then I can conceive of, I know this. I don't know why I get this way some times. It seems to happen every couple of weeks. No folks, it's not PMS, that was last week. It's as if my head is going to start spinning and green vomit will project from my mouth.

I got to do some wheelin' yesterday, it was great. Took some beautiful pictures that I will post later on, be sure to check: www.picturethisplease.blogspot.com.

I found something that I want so badly that I don't know how to act. I don't know what to think or how to feel. So I'm not. One day at a time and each time that things fall into place I get a little more scared. I've screwed up some of the best relationships I've ever had. It took until they were over and done with, usually by my own doing to realize what I'd done wrong. Indeed we learn from our mistakes but I can still fear making the same ones again.
I have to opportunity to get away this weekend. I've asked a friend or two to join me., either way I think I'll go. I don't mind flying solo. I just really need to get away. Take a breath and look on the outside for a few days. It all depends on the vehicle situation. My friend offered me her car and I think I'll take her up on the offer. That would be the only reason I couldn't go. God, driving three highway hours on thirty five inch mud terrains, awful.

I need to get out of my head. i yi yi.

I can't believe I pushed around some one I used to call a friend. I shoved her right into the corner twice and screamed at her to leave, and you know what, she did.

Wanna know what's worse. I felt powerful, and in the next instance I felt shitty. I don't fight. She caught me at a bad time, and I guess it had been building up in me. Sorry Tracy. Yet not Sorry. Don't ever walk into a place where I am and start shooting your mouth off on days that people died in my memorie. Makes sense, good no. Sense is not what we are aiming for here, just for the voices to stop.

Sad day, I will come out of this funk. I'm allowed to feel this wa, today arent I? When death is all I can remember. Friends need to disreguard me for a few days, Amanda Jane will return come Monday. I'm sorry.

Actually it's not but it is. You know who you are and this is for you. When I first met your acquaintance it was a good conversation, talked about religion and music and things that make the world go round. I learned a lot in that twenty minutes. I decided to stop being a hermit and try to know you, which I'm still doing, slowly. Your real and confusing, you think, you drink, makes me think about when I'll see a Vanilla sky. I don't try to define things or predict things, I just go on my ride day to day, day's that our paths meet are good. You cross in front of my brain at inappropriate sporadic moments through out the day. The Cure plays on, songs I've never heard, and hoping to discover more. Your Bright Eyes send me a chill and it's all very cheesy. I don't think you'll mind too much. So Conan, which is probably spelled with a K but who am I to know any better. I know this is short but I have to stop before I turn into a brick of swiss. I like this thing, I've never taken my time getting to know some one and this is fun, and easy, and pressureless and enjoyable. Good conversations, you are different, I respect that. Now, I may only leave this entry up for a few days, as not to embarrass you dear Conan. Until next time, keep destroying.

It’s Tuesday, January 4th. 8:15 in the morning. I’ve been up for a few hours and still my head spins, what to do to calm my worried thoughts? I write. I have a letter written my a good friend of mine, the words in it went so deep it was almost decoded, all was by the ten millionth read, aside from but a line. The line was chalked up to typographical error, until the first day of this new year. I sat at a friends house, indulging in my addictions and the line jumped out at me from a Pear Jam song I’ve heard and loved many times. I had to stop my competition of Tetris and have my friend play it back. “Are you woman enough to be my man.” Hail Hail. I’m here, he knows that. Underestimation is a bitch and forward motion in the only thing that has kept me as close to sane as I fear I will ever be. I just hope that the day realization sets in wont be one day too late. Bandaged hand in hand.

Love is when you put it all out on the line, fearlessly. Rejection is a word, not an option and the pain is still dulled by how strongly you feel because “in Love” is all you can see.

Sorry for being so......I hate how things haunt me. Yet, I won’t let myself forget. If I had some sac I’d get a tattoo smack dab in the middle of my forehead that states, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
Hope your new years rocked as mine did. More fun to come.