We're all human

Do I. I don't feel like myself but it's okay. We all have these periods of time in our days or weeks that we just don't feel like ourselves. The question is do I apologize to those around me for not being my wacky self, and not making them laugh or smile? I'm not sure. I feel bad and I know the best thing to do in times like these is to keep to myself. But one of the things that make me feel not like myself is not being around a group of friends. I like chaos. Not in the negative sense but people and laughter and music all at the same time.

It looks like a snow globe outside again. I will celebrate tonight, what though, I do not know. Maybe my friends whoever may be where I will end up on my adventures tonight. We havent gotten a larger group than five together in quite some time. So maybe toinght I can break the spell of my self induced pity.

I love friends and people in general. We did our good deed today by helping out a neighbor whose car was disabled. It did feel good to help.

I may stay away from blogging for a bit, just till the weather breaks and I am inspired to inspire my readers again. Unless anyone has any subjects they would like to hear me ramble about, this may be it for a while. I love you all and I hope you all spread some cheer.

Winter has officially grabbed hold of my ambitions. Im fucking bored. To be sitting here writing this hung over and nauseous at the smell of my stank camp fire hair would be a delight. Instead I'm sober and showered and well aware of the fact that it's thirty four degrees outside and fresh snow has once again covered the brittle brown grass that is longing for Spring almost as badly as I. Even my skin,m which is almost as white as this paper, is seeking a little UV damage. I'm tired of wet shoes and runny noses.

I drive by where my spirit is in those wood everyday and wish I could be back there with the windows down and music cranking, case of beer in the back and a few good friends. I know it's nearly over, all this dreariness, but God is seems so far away. I don't know how to amuse myself these days. I've read books and cleaned things over and over and played my guitar to the point I want to throw up in the sound hole. I've done movies and bars and found nothing that is making Spring look even a day closer. I'll suck it up and stop bitching and try to make the best of it.

I guess as long as I'm not substituting alcohol and drugs for the liveliness I think I'm missing, I should make it just fine. A few more weeks, just a few more weeks.

I want to be silly today. I slept twelve hours last night and into today and I don't feel quite right. It was good to sleep as opposed to being "passed out". But I am overslept and questioning how to act today. I want to use my stored energy to be silly. Silly, silly, where to begin. It snowed a few inches. Had a frightening ride home last night, but made it safely none-the-less.

I will strive this week in my bogging adventures to make lighter of things and make you all laugh as I once did. I don't drink as much as I used to, not nearly as much. Therefore my head is more clear and I can't seem to find as much humor in the little things. I don't plan on excessive drinking to do the trick, but I will find a way to make my words louder than usual.

This week will drag, maybe that is a good thing. I have just enough cash to put a few gallons in my tank and pick up a pack of smokes. Trying to pay off old debts takes away from my usal bar hopping music addiction. Keeping my jeep running is a challenge in itself. I need lots of gas and tune-up and front brakes and my timing belt adjusted. Arg. I know I should of done all of this by now but not only am I cheap but it's damn cold out. I'll suck it up and get shit done as shit always needs to be done.

Can't blog anymore too many friends IM-ing me. I'll bitch later. peas.

Sometimes I know you must wonder what the hell I am talking about. No need to fear though, cause most of the time I am clueless myself.

I have to get back to that whole I don't give a damn what anybody else thinks about the decisions I make. That would be I lie because I do care but nine times out of ten it doesn't change a thing in my mind. It's different when we are speaking of politics or religion but when your talking about me and my life, good luck. It's all a lesson. Every move we make and every person we meet, we learn from. I have had the fortune of being in lots of mixed up situations that I have learned from. A lot of people think one should be careful with their feelings, but not me so much. I think it's more respectable to be careful with others feelings. When you get hurt, you know how to make things right with yourself again, even if it takes a long time. But when you hurt some one else you have to carry that with you, and every time you see them again or hear their name a piece of your heart will sink.

So to all those out there that are in a relationship for no good reason other then company be careful of how deeply they may feel for you, you may not know it, but things can go deeper then ever said aloud. In the end you can really hurt some one. In the long run it will affect every future relationship that person has and may make them view the opposite sex (or same if your into that sort of thing) in the wrong light.

Sadly I have almost always been the one to hurt the significant others that have popped into my life. I didn't realize it until today, but I walk around pretending that all those ex's are still my friends but honestly few are. I am sorry for this, but if your friends before love chances are you'll be friends when the feelings of love long dissipate.

I don't want to hurt anyone. There is nothing quite like that feeling when your other looks into your eyes and you can feel the love from them for you emanate. I don't think it is possible to fall in love unless the other is falling as well. It's gotta be an equal fall. Otherwise I think it's more like an infatuation not just of that other person but of what you really want in a relationship. If you truly are in love with some one who doesn't share the same feelings and you still try then that is not love. If your love is true either they would feel it too or you would love enough to let them go off and be happy elsewhere in the world.

It's been a while since I wrote about some thing other then my daily battles with myself or with my love. I just thought I'd share some of what I think about when I don't have much to think about.

I fell asleep reading a great story last night and awoke with a smile on my face, even my dog wondered what was up when I rolled over and gave him a good morning smile. I hope this weekend is just crazy enough to amuse me but not too crazy that I will sleep the days away recovering.

Jarrad's official return from Iraq is tomorrow. I can't wait to see the troops driving over the Market Street Bridge. It's all very nostalgic to me and I can let a piece of me be at peace. Kelly can finally go and live her life and hopefully find some more positive things in this world. I'm sorry Kelly you know I love you but a lot of times you just see the bad things in the world. I know we can't be a ray of sunshine all the time, but you have a large ray and you need to shine it more. Thank you for letting me be your shoulder this past year while your husband was in Iraq. You are my best friend and I want to see you eternally happy. Live for tomorrow, fuck the past.

Until next time folks.

Well, we talked and maybe I shouldn't be so easy to disreguard my own feelings. One day at a time? Perhaps.

I read the Notebook a few months back and tonight in all it's cheesy splendor I am going to watch the movie. After CHUCKY CHEESY THAT IS. Today Trevor turns three years old and we are going to celebrate. It's funny to me that he is in the moodiest of moods today. At three years old I have to wonder if he knows that growing up brings challenges and doesn't want this Birthday. When you tell him happy birthday and that he is three, he yells and shouts "NO, I TWO!" ha ha. He nearly is impossible to deal with today so I hope out trip to the Cheese cheers him up. I know it'll make my day. Almost.

I hate to bitch, but I have to about at least one thing a day via my blog and today lets bitch about health.

I can't seem to sleep and when I do, I can't seem to wake up. It sucks and I don't know the cause. Could be the dreary winter sky picking at my motivation to function as a normal human being. Longing to be sweaty and swimming. Soon.

He asked me if I had enough room for him in my life. I said goodbye.

Spent the weekend in Albany with Dave, Todd, Joanna, and two rocking shows. Love music more then love itself. Spent the ride home self loathing, feeling not like much of a citizen, but trying to find my place in the world is not on the top of my to-do list for the time being.

Taking care of mom. Cronic sinus infections have lead us to two self administered IV's a day. I am the administrator and it's not as gross as I thought it would be. I don't like blood and guts but I like my mom more then love and music, so, I will do whatever need be done for the sake of her health.

I am also a typical dick head. Everyone in love spent the day yesterday with their love, but not I. The stress of the Dr.'s appointments and what not lead me out alone to drink the holiday away. I am so sorry for this Dave, if I were you, I would hate me. And of course I called him at two thirty a.m. becuase I felt like a dick and probably ruined my chances of salvaging Love Day with him all together. Please forgive me, a lot of times I don't know how to deal with dealing at the end of a day that goes such as yesterday did. Therefore I hide. Love me, because I can admit it. I will make it up to you this weekend, and I will also never have to say that I will make some thing up to you because I won't be a dick head head again.

Hmm....so today is warm, fifty two so far. I am hanging out with Trevor who will be three in just a few days. We went to the park earlier and swang on swings that have missed the butts of little children all winter long. They smiled at us as we approached and enjoyed our company as emmensly as we enjoyed theirs. Rich will be home soon and I will get to live out my passion for a few hours. A backpack, camera, and the woods, here I come. Hope your all.

Teaching each other how to play an acordian. The blind leading the blind.

I fucking hate the acordian.

I tried to get it, but I don't.

I don't care how interesting it may be, it sounds like hell. Please kill it.

Yet we're all amused because my dismay is apparently funny. It reminds me of The Road Runner. I'm no longer six nor amused by the cyote always falling off the cliff. And now they're suggesting we need back up, the instruments of choice being what?? FUCKING KAZOOS and MARACAS.

The longer I went off about it, the funnier it became to me, maybe it's because they finally heard my plea of death to the damn instrument that it pleasantly found it's way back into the case and I found peace once again.

I am here, not so much here as I am there. I hate going there, but you've never seen it so you don't understand. Spookie show rocked my night and the night of people whose ears have never had the pleasure. They are. Stomach is sore from booze, head hurts from cigarettes and brain hurts from thinking out loud. Hope your weekend is nearly as good.

tomorrow, tomorrow, can't wait to go tomorrow. Mr. Dave is going with me! I hope he doesn't hate me by the end of the weekend. I like going away, it's not like I act up or anything but I do feel free enough to do what I want when I'm not in my home town. That's all I got for today, I didn't want to skip another day of entry, but the life of Amanda Jane is at peace. I'm drinking a beer and heading out to two open mic nights at bars and hopefully share some tunes with some stranger, got my guitar and a 20, so, peace.

He sent me a letter that I have read about a million times in the past hours. Make my heart sink down and shoot back up like a fountain being unclogged.

Going away to Albany again this weekend. Breathing in other towns makes for an interesting conversation piece upon return to every day life. I'll be going to see my favorite original band ever, and great friends. Spookie Daly Pride, here I come.

I think I may be flying solo this weekend, I won't know until Friday. I would like the company but I don't want anyone to have to deal with how insane i will end up being this weekend. It's a binge fest for me of alcohol and fun. I don't know. Maybe I should shut up and let myself free up for a weekend and hope that they join in the fun.

Tonight, I get to lay in beds of people I adore and watch films I don't like just so I can look at you.

Legendary only to the few and the proud. Memories in each lyric, with every word and every feeling it brings. I'm never sure why I end up here, but it always comes down to music. I change with every passing word and breathe and can't help that life and death mean so much to me. I don't want to help it. Death is so sure that I wish you all could see this, why I live how I live as I do. Minute by hour, hours by day. You may never know what tomorrow brings, but what about today. Just live, live for me and boogers and love. Not just love, love, but friends love and families love. Love that is fresh air or a crying two year old. Live to make others feel alive.

I drank with sporadic periods of sleep in between it all. No that's not exactly true. It was full, Friday out with Dave, Saturday spent with Dave, Saturday night, birthday party at Melony's and Sunday, party at my house. In between it all I found peace in nature, got to take the Jeep and my feet out amongst the trails. I got down to Kirby park as well to watch friends tackle each other in the snow and mud. So warm, so pretty. Ladybugs have found their way out of the plants placed around my room, they are beautiful. I played my guitar till my fingers stopped working and I found more love in a basement with a voice singing Bright Eyes then have in every place I've looked in the past twenty four years of my life. Unexplainable, but do you I really have to.

Nothing more that I ever wanted more then to never feel the breaking apart, my pictures of you. At one time perhaps we all feel like the past is where we should be, the days look as if they were so much easier when your staring without those binoculars that were your eyesight then. It all looks better from here, but when you really think back and unblock those bad memories, you can see that these days just aren't so bad. I am alive. I am ridiculous, I am me, and I will try to make you smile.

My friends are slowing down it seems, until I think about what I do, and realize, I am slowing myself. It's a better pace, I can breathe here. I can wash clothes and write to people whose faces I will never see, and those that I used to see everyday. I hope you can get a glimpse of my world through these words and admire some aspects. I may not be fully sane, but I am happy. Most of the people I call friends are the people I knew when I didn't even know who I was. They have made me who I am today, and golly I'm a good person, to you I thank all of.

Okay I'm getting a little further then I wanted to go with this. A little too deep for a Monday morning after the Super Bowl. Sorry for the Eagles but I came for the party and the beer was good too. Later.

I thought you'd come, and go
I never thought that you would stay...
and I'm sorry if I tried to push you away. - Let It Rain

More and more everyday I grow closer to that crazy little thing called...

If I were an artist I would of painted a picture of last night.

It hit me like a freight train. Felt some thing more then I could of forced, it just happened. I happened. The more I give the clearer I see you. I can't berate some one for loving me or wanting to love me just because of my own fears. I need to erase that word from my vocabulary. Fear.

Did you ever meet some one who has given you a reason to listen to words of songs you always skipped over to find some thing you already know the words to? Don't always watch the movies you've already seen, or listen to the same song because you know how it ends, explore....there is so much more.