We're all human

Lead to interesting thoughts and odd typing patters.

So here is another weekend. Tonight, Stoney Creek, tomorrow camping in the rain. Tarps will keep dry soul's that refuse to let spring showers ruin a weekend to remember. One can never predict actually showers in such an early part of this Spring, so the faith I have in warding off this wet bliss is endless. I'm proud to say that if it were ten of us camping or one, it'll still be worth the trip.

Foggy mind today. I've come to new conclusions about the things that I never included. One being that it's so hard to feel genuine when your looking for parts in people that don't exist. Yet when these qualities emerge from new places even while your eyes are shut you can't help but want to climb to the top and give thanks for the boulders that you scaled to get there.

Indulging without chocolate. Confusing you guys yet?

Let's talk about butter. It's freekin dairy and I love it. I don't want country Crock or Smart Butter or any of that crap. I WANT REAL, YELLOW, SALTED, LAND-0-FRIGGIN-LAKES BUTTER. That is my rant for the day.

So the keyboard was broke yesterday and most of today, the mouse was my only tool. It lead me to the Archives of my own blogging adventures and wow. First I gotta thank the one's that have put up with me through my ups and down since last August, and even before. I don't like to talk about real shit, I like to make fun, but I see know that I have vented to this blank white page . It helps, and best of all, IT'S FREE. God therapy is expensive. I Yi Yi.

Well it seems an ex of a year ago just felt the need to Instant Message me and tell me how bad a person I am. Sometimes people can't see far enough past the material world and they become trapped in a place that's all about the next big thing, and money. I can't imagine not being able to enjoy the simple world. He was a crutch and for what I still don't know but that addiction is so far behind me along with any residual respect for the son of a bitch. Good luck Binker.

Sorry folks, went off on a tangent a little. Well it's chilly, but the sun is shining and I'm going outside to smile at it. Peace.

to be sure that you all click on the comment below the last entry in this blog and then may your view be broadened. Apparently the words I wrote were not read the way they were intentionally stated because yet again I stated the obvious and he hurt me yet again. So many questions can be answered once one finally says the way they see things. Now I understand. I can't help but wonder if a TEN YEAR AGE DIFFERENCE has something to do with it. For I am not yet bitter, unlike others who see the world through a gray curtain. I am glad that you will die with your family, it is so good to be loved. Once again though, you will die a bitter man.

I was asked not to blog about this anymore but after I read that comment today and allowed Some one Else's view of my life to bring tears to my eyes I cannot contain the hurt I feel. Whatever you have for me was built up from your own hands. I have always been me, dating and playing and experiencing and the minute you see me loving, you accuse me of wrong doing.

Make your decisions and live you life and know that I'm a good enough person not to scream out how I SEE things. Know that I won't intentionally make your cry and bring that sick feeling to the pit of your stomach. If you are hurt, I am not sorry, you did this to yourself. I simply go about what I do and if I find a love in that (temporary or otherwise) then I thank God for the opportunity to feel once again.

You also failed to mention that before Dave, Larry and Sean I was in a three year relationship with Bink and before him I was in a five year relationship with Todd. I don't feel the need to be forgiven for playing the field for a while. People get hurt, it happened to me when I was thirteen all the way up until this morning and chances are I will be hurt again. Stop thinking about yourselves so damn much and try to give a shit about the people in your life that need you.

Thanks again for reminding me why it is not to be. Brutality is a bitch. Not every one has seen my cold side, well here it is. It comes out when you stab me for some thing that is beyond my control and trust me if I could control your mind, you'd be as crazy as me.

I am not out to hurt but I am sure that we have all hurt some one unintentionally in our lifetimes, at least once. Well here is what I have to say about that:

Some times we feel things for people that we wish we didn't. Example: Did you ever dislike some one for some dumb reason and come to know them better and wish you never didn't like them to begin with? (think hard) . Now have you ever had ANY kinds of feelings for another that is not mutual. Love is love is love. I love, but not in the way that may be wished by others. I feel sorry because I often wish I could, why?, because it would make people happy, and that is my main goal in life. But I have learned through many tears and sleepless nights that you can not make every one happy. You would lose yourself and who you are. I love, I do, but I'm sorry it's not in the same sense Mr.Y. You say I bring so much happiness into this home and into these children's faces but you still reach for more. I don't think much will ever be enough for you and I am sorry if that hurts you. One cannot force feelings that don't happen all by themselves.

If I was dating a crack head or the new Pope it wouldn't matter because in your eyes they would not be as good as you. Half the man? Do you even know who you are talking about. Your talking about some one like you who has been married (legally) with a child and cheated on directly in front of his face. Hmmm.....your not the only one who has been punched in the gut. You are talking about a twenty nine year old man that for forces beyond my control makes me feel like me. He makes me laugh at things that used to frighten me and sees the world just as it is without being bitter. I will only go so far with this entry for fear of unintentionally hurting more then I suppose I must do on a daily basis. I only wish you could find happiness in what you do have. I fear you will grow old and bitter alone because you can't seem to appreciate what you have. Look around you and stop looking beyond you. You will find that love in some one when you least expect it and when you finally find peace in your world. Big house, land, woods, two awesome boys, laundry and cleaning taken care of, happy faces, friends, music, health and a best friend who may just have to walk away from the friendship to save it.

There is so much to say but when you are in front of my face I just want to scream until you realize how wonderful your life actually is, believe it or not. I know you watch the news, instead of praying for love, why don't you give thanks.

what more can I say, little things that make me happy. The day is looking UP!

lessons lost in translation after breaking Jeeps on top of worlds that I ended up backing down. Yuck, we broke Timmy's Jeep, it sucked. I know he feels pretty shitty that his truck is at a strangers house broken but trust me I feel bad too. Maybe I take my vehicles' abilities for granted but I will no longer.

So today, little bummed, little tired, but looking forward to this evening when I will fix a friendship that I've put off facing and walk to secret hide outs where I can breathe out the negativity that is hanging on my shoulders from last nights adventures. Peace is the word of the day......pass it on.

Another nice day another nice night, starting to realize that my lungs aren't completely seized yet, just clogged. Enjoying back yard camp fires in the middle of easy days cleaning mud out and vacuuming out the Forrest.

Discovered that driving around the top of the mountain leads to new thrills and rough rides down, all in good times. Tonight we have a challenge going between my Jeep and one that is quite similar yet mine seems more capable, he probably has more balls. I'm ready for the challenge as long as we have tow straps I'll try anything.

And a Happy 4/20 to all that partake.

what other species out there besides humans wipe their butts after pooping? I mean really, none. So I'm thinking of trying an experiment.....hahaha. Nope just being silly today. I put up some pics from this weekend on the other blog so be sure to check it out.

Every morning that the sun rises from beyond the Mnts. into a clear blue sky I thank God for the day. I've had such a major change of attitude since the weather has changed and situations along with it. I even broke out the sandals today and the skirts. Feeling free. Is there anything quite like it? Maybe with drugs but I'm not so much into that. Sickening aren't I.

Last night I searched for Jeep emblems in places where windows smashed and laughter rose above it all. Didn't find what I was looking for, but man, I'm glad my window got fixed so fast.

I also drank water while in the woods last night and came up with a little list. THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WATER WHILE FOUR WHEELING.

1. You WILL drop the cap from the water under the gas pedal (dangerous), whereas a beer is always open and there are no worries.

2. Impossible trails are so much easier when you have a beer in hand.

3. You forget about all the garbage on the trail and start focusing on which tree you may be heading into.

4. Once water gets warm it's not so good, but after a few beer, you don't care about the temp. difference. Let's face it beer, is beer, is good, is warm, is cold, is beer.

5. Drinking just water will not create as much urine therefore lessening your chances of being able to put out the fire at the end of the ride.

6. Beer is good.

7. When the black bear attacks, beer takes over and fear is not an option.

8. Beer has vitamin pretty in it, see with most people as they get drunk, the people around them start to look better, but not to me. The drunker I get, the better I look, there fore I am more confident and can drive better.

9. Beer makes your truck stronger, your steering wheel easier to turn and your smelly shoes not so smelly.

10. Beer is better then water in the woods because I said so and that should be good enough.

Ahhhhhh.

That's what I got folks, hope you found it at least a bit amusing.

I am looking forward to another warm night with good friends and open trails. Happy day to all.

Holy Cow, where to start. We camped, we cooked, we drank, some tripped over the weekend and fell into Sunday ready for CARNAGE. I found carnage on the ride out of our weekend of bliss by smashing into some sort of water contraption doing stupid human/Jeep tricks and busting out the back window. Poor Miranda was in the back seat and I wonder if her ears are still ringing.

So aside from the new window I must purchase later this afternoon it was an awesome camping trip. First of the year, we had a killer fire, awesome company and a morning full of half cooked burgers and questions of where the rest of the campers disappeared too.

Some one let their fire get out of control and the Mnt. was on fire. It didn't look too bad but I'm sure that carnage is worse then what my own hands brought upon me and my two cheerful passengers. I couldn't ask to know better people in this world. I mean sure, we're all fucked up in our own ways, but when it comes down to it, every one I know has a good heart.

Things I won't forget from this weekend:

Charlie the cave man.
Miranda's late night sounds of pleasure. (hahahaha)
Finding little sisters watching me climb up the impossible.
The morning slip n slide.
Waking up.
Then actually waking up.
Laying atop the mnt. on new favorite blankets.
Cruisin up Kidder Damn.
The sound of the bang from the glass smashing, and then walking up the hill laughing my ass off with Miranda.
Finding the rock under the rock.

Much much more. It was great and I look fwd. to a season full of camping and company. Thanks to those who ventured out. Ah, life is good. More to come later....

Going to overload then probably explode. So much I've done this past week. WOODS, WOODS WOODS!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeep's going to be in prime condition after a little TLC tomorrow. Then camping Saturday and wheelin' Sunday. So much to do in what seems like no time at all. I just need to relax and focus on one thing at a time.

The best thing is those people I know, you simply ask if they'd like to camp this weekend, eyes light up and they ask what time we're going. I love that.

I'm so over come with how quickly everything is changing since Spring has sprung. I'm ready for it, I'm ready to be alive. Direction doesn't seem so sporadic anymore. I see the path, and the minute I decided to keep going no matter how muddy the pit or rocky the road it all became so much easier.

Last night I told the story of how my friend was killed last year. He was an awesome guy and incredible Jeeper. So today I decided to check out my other friends photo gallery : www.larryspictures.com (check it out great pics of great times). I looked at a lot of the photos of Tom and his Jeep and cried for a good hour. I hate to feel this way but it was so tragic how he was killed and his namesake disgraced because of the bastard that killed him.

I miss him every time I click into four wheel drive, and every time I pull onto a trail. So sorry to be sad but Tom "If there's a heaven, I know your there." We miss you.

but it can be simple.

What I thought was going to be a trying morning ended up being quite pleasant. Little voices, making pancakes and drinking coffee.

Spent last night around another fire enjoying simply being.

Still sick and I'm inflicting those around me, so sorry my loves. Ended up being a longer night then I realized but it was worth the groggy wake up times ten.

I'm worried about a few of you who are not smiling as much these past few days. help bring There is one in particular who has made a three year change in her life and I saw the tears last night and I wished I had the words to help ease the pain. I may be more useful today with a clearer head.

and I'll try to share.

I am appreciating the silence right now. The only noise I hear are two ticking clocks, a dog breathing at sleep in peace, and the distant highways humming tires.

we went for adventures, and found the secret "FF",
Drove into places that I forgot exist.
Met new friends in new places and drove back in to build,
A fire, easy music and the Fire Goddess Mel.

Mel, you killed me last night, my stomach still hurts from laughing. Me-ran-DUH, I don't want you to be sad or confused, but like I said whatever you do you have people on your side to help you through.

That's my night, how smile and incredible. Being able to be in nature again with people who feel the same. Thanks to the ones who joined me. I hoped it helped to clear heads and make memories.

Ironically enough I get in my Jeep today and there are both lighters on the passenger seat. I hope that's not a bad sign. hahaha

I can not even put into words what this weekend has done to my soul. Finally back in the mix that I have missed for so long. I live to be in the woods and spent the weekend there. Good company and good conversations, good dogs and good fires. It's funny how chance meetings can change the way you view the same scenery, it's so much more beautiful today then any day before it.

I'm going to ride out this high as long as I can and be proud that it's not drug induced. I can't help but know that my place in this world is in nature amongst those who live for the same. It's the only place in the world that makes me, me. I never thought I'd find a match with the same view. I guess we all worry about that.

Faith Restored.

Euphoria.

Here's to yesterday, today, and what is to come tomorrow.

blows up some thing like 3,000 balloons in their life time. Today I am in condition to blow up balloons due to my recent bout with a head cold, but I did it. All fifteen. Now I am smoking a cigarette, go figure.

Last night was fun, pushed my Jeep a little and made it! Had a few drinks with company I'm just getting to know but enjoy nonetheless. Tomorrow is Atlantic City, and tonight is a big question mark but fun will be had you can count on that.

Leaky unit is in full effect and I, I am smiling about it all. Today we celebrate R.J. turning eight and I can only wish I had a strand of memory of my own. You would think that pictures would bring back certain instances of our lives, but too often they fail to do so. Maybe it's me but looking at my face full of cake at the kitchen table too many years ago brings back nothing to me. My parents although remember every aspect of the day right down to the weather. I guess I will remember for the little ones I know. I remember Serenity's 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th and good memories surround it all.

Guess I'll go tend to my unit.

The Pope has been laid to rest, how about a moment of silence.

The fire almost took me out last night, but just at the right instance. It was a gorgeous night, the toads chirping, fire cracking and Rich and Andrew strumming strings. So nice and peaceful. The weather brings life back when it's needed most. I needed to relax, I've been running all week. Atop that I've been inflicted with sickness of one form or another each day. Tuesday was puke, yesterday brought out the head cold and today my leaky unit arrived. So, needless to say I'm a little tired and a lot cramped but the more I do the more it takes my mind off of it.

Not sure what to do tonight, I know what I should do but probably will not. If the rain comes then I will hide in the bar hoping to hear a mix of incredible music as I did last Thursday. If the rain stays away I'm sure you'll find me by the damn, strumming alone and breathing.

Nature can be the best form of peace, aside from tsunami's and all that.

the things we cannot have. Why is that. So much opportunity for new things around me, the offers are extended, yet I want the one that doesn't. I can't act right even on good days. Hey, at least I eat and shit like the rest of the world.

How can you say no to a little boy holding up a toy and innocently asking "wanna play with me." That'd be like me turning down a date with Mr.T. It may not be the dream of the day, but you know you'll have fun either way.

I do it, all by myself. I cause the problems then try to fix them by destroying them.

All this time, I just wanted to right instance and I had it, and couldn't manipulate it, last night in the woods without a clear head. Oh well, I know it's not going to always be as I expect it.

What a day yesterday was and high expectations are held for today as well as long as I don't keep tossing up these cookies that I don't remember eating. Yummie, get off the computer and go outside.

I know my Grandmother will anxiously be awaiting his arrival. She always wanted to meet him. Speaking of Grandma, today is her Birthday. Happy Birthday Grandma. Your very missed and very loved.

Spring is in full effect. I'm ready to camp. Two weeks, and that's where I will be. Anyone wanna come with me? It'll be fun.

I'm watching the Spring winds blow away the reminents of fall that still are hanging on to a few trees. The buds will come soon along with sneezes from you inflicted with allergies, poor Alan. He sniffles all year and this time of year usually brings about the worst of it.

I couldn't stand not feeling like enough any more so I broke things off with dimple D. I'm sorry to of hurt you, but I cannot be who you are looking for and I know you wanted so badly for me to be. I can't change. It's not in my genes and quite frankly I don't mind who I am all that much to begin with.

This week brings changes in lives of people I known for most of their own. Two good friends, fell in love, and they are starting their first home together. I predict good fortune and many smiles. As for me, I'm still hiding in the background, yet visible to all. The smell of Friday's camp fire still lingers in my Jeep, peacefully.

I wonder how it's different for the Pope to enter the gates of heaven. Do you think he gets special treatment due to his status, or do will we all get the same greetings. If I was up there, I would have a big stick of cotton candy for him and I think he would share.

Todd, your more f-ed up then you were when you were. Good luck with all that and consider yourself lucky that I am a patient friend.

For not more then a second. I embarass easily believe it or not. I hide it well. An error has occured in the making of this. That I do apologize for, but not for the reasons that you may assume.