We're all human

"When you feel life ain't worth living, you got to stand up and take a look around, look up way to the sky......When your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die."

It's too bad he went out the way he did but hey some people can't live without being high, so they die by it.

8:15 Dr's again, (it's becoming a secret society)
9:00 get replaced by the one I replaces. What can I say I don't have that biological thing going for me. I will visit later if allowed.
9:10 go to store to get stuff to cook dinner for crazy household that's been filling the family with long work hours and taking care of those ones we love who are deteriorating just one town over from here.

Played guitar prepared some of dinner, now I write. Haven't been here in a while. In from of the screen blinking cursor. Me and Mark just going about our way, enjoying each other's company without needing any other company. Tonight we hope Greg will be playing, do a little socializing and it's always a pleasure to hear him sing.

Rich is hiding again, he pretends too much, and never really opens up, just hides. We care damn it, but you don't give us a chance to let us show you. You poke fun about the other stuff and turn away. You don't have to pretend, friends are here for you to be yourself and still be loved. I love you friend.

Missing the boys two days in a row. Guess when he rang yesterday morning I could of told him of my plans for this morning. I didn't think to because he sounded miserable and kept it short. I did start putting my foot down on eight year old ideas. I can't let him try to pull anything over on me. I love them and I want them to be productive members of this world, I'd like to think that I help to do so. Things are constantly changing, I just go with the flow. Just don't be bitter for the reasons that I don't want to be who you want me to be.

Two weeks to go until twenty five and I like me damn it. I like where I want to go, and the path to get there will not be short. At least self discovery and lessons learned from watching the rest will give me faith that I can do it too. I thank God for it.

Well, there are a hundred things that I could be doing at this moment, and that is why I have not written as much these days. It feels good to do things. It also just felt good to write, even though it may not of made much sense, it made sense to me. I hope your days are all.

Tomorrow night, can't wait. The Dave show was absolutely amazing. Had a great time in an unexpected RV with good people and good condiments. Thanks to all.

Todd said goodbye. I'm not quite sure why. I guess I can understand. I have found what he thought he had but not what he needs. He is on his own path and that is for certain. I am not mad nor sad. I just want him to know that I am here for anything at all. I don't see a need in ending an almost ten year friendship, but sometimes the only way to see where your path goes is to stop looking behind you. Good things will happen for you, you have a good head and an honest heart. You will be missed.

Life is funny like that. Every day is a new lesson, not always sunshine and roses but I like the daisies just the same. We went to the park on the 5 mile today. Picked flowers and played on swings, made new paths, and had lots of laughs.

Got central heating and I'm alright.
DMB tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can NOT wait. I'd like to win a few tickets for a few friends. That would be great.

We had our honor ride last night. It was nice and it ended even better. Small fire good view and better conversation. Thanks for those who participated. I have no beef today, gonna make some necklaces for some friends and swim with children. Maybe try to find the paint on my Jeep under all that mud. Yuck. Lord knows I'll be at it again tonight anyway.

It's been busy, busy days and by the time night comes it's: go for a ride, and sleep. Feels good, long days, breezy nights. Kool-Aid and hamburgers. Second blinking red light to the right and straight through to God. Gotta catch up with friends, real bad. Time to get the ball rolling.

What a wonderful weekend. Peaceful and reflective. I got to spend fathers day with Dad and close neighbors building a shed. I'll never forget it as long as I live.

I got to see that thing on the road near my house again doing her thing. Yuck.

I think the highlight was waving as I drove by using words I don't use and smiling the entire time.

Today is Tom day, I'm thinking of you my friend. I know you are in a better place and I could feel your presence in the back seat of the Jeep last night driving down the mountain in the same manner as I would you with in the lead or behind me. You have everlasting memories embedded in my brain along with your laughter. I will ride for you tonight, and reminisce those good long nights. I'm trying harder with each passing season to forget how your life was cut short. I'm glad I had some time with you.

Girm makes my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. There are no words to describe the happiness I have found in being me. Praise the Lord! Good friends, good times, good kids, good nitch in this vast universe. Appreciate your life. All of you.

How about this, if one can't get past my "grammer" upon opening this blog, why continue to read. I'm sure you are bored and I am glad that you find these words interesting enough to navigate your browser to comment. I appreciate your English advise but it is not needed. If I need your help, I will let you know. Words are words are expressions are my very own. Good Luck to you.

That's those people who leave comments but don't have the nerve to leave your name. See the way my blog works is I say what I want, and I can do that, but at least you know it's me. I'm not afraid of my lifestyle, nor am I afraid to tell you how yours is wrong. It's kind of like being a bitch but way better. So here is some information to help you understand some of the down falls of both drugs.

Crack also affects the nerve endings, causing uncomfortable feelings in the skin - commonly known as “Crack bugs”.
Prolonged Crack Cocaine use leads to vitamin, and amino acid deficiency. This impairs your immune system and makes you susceptible to infections and disease.

Crack Cocaine makes you heart beat a lot faster and prevents sleep. If you use too much, or have long sessions it is possible to push your body too far. This may lead to your body shaking and hand tremors.

It also increases your body temperature, leading to overheating and the risk of seizures and fits.


Marijuana:

The primary health problems associated with the drug are the possibility of respiratory disorders similar to those experienced by tobacco smokers.

Many of the other possible risks from using cannabis remain unproven or inconclusive.

There's some tib bits for ya. Surf the web and have fun, if you want I can add the side effects of alcohol but I don't think the worlisis ready for that yet.

Five days till the DMB show and I've been counting down for a month now. Happy early birthday present to me, Thanks Yurkin Boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seems there are quite a few friends going too, and we're all up for a good time.

Life is life is good is making me feel a little tired, but clarity is the key. To be perfectly honest, Aunt Ruthie is not getting better and it's stirring up bad dreams. What can I do really. Worrying is not helping but I can't help it.

RELAXATION is the word for the weekend. I just want to chill with my Girm and my Yurkin boys and friends all alike. I want to sleep in the woods at some point and at another check on my crops which are looking meager.

We lay awake talking last night about the possibility that children can be conceived without caution, it made me think about how much I appreciate having these children in my life. I get to watch them grow and see the glimmer in their eyes when they figure some thing out by themselves. I get to answer questions and it makes me see how much I myself have grown throughout this past year. I've been getting choked up these days with the turn for the worse that their mother has taken. They are two little lives that she can't seem to get past her addictions for. I'd like to spit on her, but I am not that person. I'm sorry Rich, normally I wouldn't bash anyone like this but it's killing me in it's own way. I fear for her life yet only for the stories that those kids would have to tell someday if she doesn't wise up. I can be proud that me, Manda will be included in the memories of those children for years to come. Thank you for allowing me to be that person to them. I wish I could go off her and express my anger for who she is and more so for who she is not and will never be. Dear D, yer missing out on the best part of life sweetheart and I know you will regret it. I DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR YOU. You can change, like Nike, just do it. It's almost too late, almost. Pretend for one day that you are alive and a part of this world, kiss the rocks goodbye and look in the eyes of the beautiful three year old that sits across the room from me now, and realize that he will never forgive you if you don't come to reality. Good luck.

I was laying low last week and have missed writing greatly. So here I am and here I go. I murdered another relationship to embark on a new journey. That's what it has become, a journey. I'm enjoying seeing myself the way I once was. It's been so long since I have felt comfortable to meet a significant others family but I'm jumping in and the water is good. (so is the family).

I spent the weekend facing my fear....WATER. I treaded like a champ and pushed myself just a bit to show my fear that mind over matter is indeed the way to be. Now I am not there yet but I'll swim out another extra foot each time. Thanks to the you that have shown me to be confident in my abilities.

I've been sleeping in arms a lot, and aside from last nights nightmares, (I was trying to beat up some chick with dark hair repeatedly), I have enjoyed my sleep and waking up. Today I'm tired but in a happy kind of way. I feel accomplished and in place. Or like I have a place. I needed to find a place, roaming makes me question too much but when you stand still long enough to get a clear view of your environment you tend to appreciate the little things all the more.

I also found the two most beautiful sunflowers in the eyes of an alien.

To understand me is all I ask, this recent past I have wondered of my friends who say they understand me, which actually do. I was surprised with the ending result and am having grateful days for it. Peace.

Stop there no, I didn't and no I don't care. Isn't that much easier.

I must admit, I am fascinated in more ways then words could express.

Leaky, I am.

My good friend Serenity graduated from pre school on Friday, right after her dog got railed by a car on a busy street. He's alive, but not quite well. Say a prayer, please.

Todd came to visit, I thought I'd find some thing that I've been looking for, but instead like I said yesterday, I found a whole lot more on the side of the rail road bed.

I am hiding from everyone, only for a few more days and you can blame it on my leaky unit.

Shawn is pissed at me but what can I do. I'm trying in these hiding days to find words and ways to make it all be alright. He asked me how my feelings could change so quickly, and the truth is is that they have not. I know what he is looking for and I am not it. He may think I am, but he will see. Some times just enjoying the same things is not enough to keep a relationship afloat. We can be great friends because of what we do for fun and I hope he gives me that chance. I also know what I'm looking for and I believe that I have kissed a lot of princes, but I'm looking to be able to open myself up completely and I may never find that, but I don't need to be involved. I just like good company. Like Trevor who just tapped me on the knee and said those Godly words of "I love you." Feels great.

yeah right. Let me just say that a found a piece of my soul at five a.m. along a rail road track and the train went roaring past me. In those few minutes of powerful bliss I realized that am only human. I apologize too much and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for bringing any one into my messes, but I don't try too. I am happy, it is my nature. Don't berate me for it. I still just want to feel that train pounding alongside my heart.

I thought I lost my soul when I lost that first glimpse of love, but whoops it was right where I left it. I thought it was Todd that kept it in his back pocket. I wasted too many thoughts wondering about the what if's. Now I have none. Friendship is all I have desired from him in the last long years, and it will be all I will ever need. Todd you have a light inside you that the world is dying to see, shine it. Live and be you, know you always have friends who are as f*cked up as you are, here, hiding in the woods of w00ks-barre.

That is my peace for today.

Wow, I haven't had a late night blog in too many nights. "
Hello how I think at night, how are you?"
"I am fine, how are you?"
"I am good, do you think they can handle what may come flying out at this hour?"
"Sure why not?"
"Okay here goes."

So I am thinking that a relaxing fire and a glass of wine do a soul a lot of good. I'm out of my mind but it's all my fault. After venting to ears who know who I am helped all in itself. Thank you kind ears. I'm relaxed and feeling good about sitting in the woods tonight writing on paper for hours on end about things that make you go hmm. It eased my should as well.

Why do we obsess over what we obsess about? In a few years it will be as ridiculous as that pimple faced fourteen year old that we thought we would just die if they knew of our crush. The things that matter....matter. It can be ridiculous to some but if your there and it's got you in a bad way, then have at it. It's so good when you look back in laughter and know that you did indeed learn some thing from it, even if it was the "lots of fish in the sea" lesson.

I don't know why I am afraid of commitment and I know WHO it came from. I also know that now I sound like every television sit com from the mid to late 90's. It is how it is. I am afraid. At one time for a long, long time, I was afraid of being alone, especially after spending many years with my first love.

I was so afraid of being alone that it scared me, I realized it, and dealt with it. Now, proudly I can do anything by myself. I mean, who doesn't need a hand with a floor model TV upon moving, but you get the drift. More than anything I think I've fallen in love with who I am when I'm by myself. I like my own company just as much as I'd like my best friends company. You don't have to say anything, you can just be you.

I grew dependent on myself to learn how to do the things that a person needs to do alone. I enjoy being there for people for things that they don't want to be alone for. Me, myself, I like to do things alone a lot. It's always nice to have a helping hand under the hood of your truck and more so, having a shoulder to cry on about things that you thought you buried at the turn of the century. I wish I was invincible, I'd sneak around and fix all the things that make all the people I love unhappy. I'll try in my mortal way, drunk or not, I will.

I am grateful to those of you who know me, or don't but either way, the ones who know when to ask and when not to. I may be f*c&ed up for good, but I'll make myself happy and hopefully the rest of you too.

Damn.....That felt GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I know you guys who read this are looking for some thing new to read and well, I don't have too much to say. I have so much to talk about but not a whole lot of people I'm willing to share with. Again, Sorry. Life is good and Memorial Day weekend was great. I pulled in a huge catfish....thanks Rich. We fished and camped and relaxed and played. It was good so to be around so many happy faces playing frisbee. Time is killing me. I know it sounds silly because it's killing all of us. But in anticipation for what decisions I have to make and waiting for the right opportunity to make them, I don't know. I'll stop there, it's loud and I can't think. I'll get back to ya'll later.