We're all human

But gee whiz it uses a ton for a day full of hiking. I walked with the little one, then alone, then Adam took me and Kelly up to a beautiful creek off of Jumper Road in Bear Creek. It was so clean and majestic. We walked until the sun disappeared then flew out of the woods in the back of Adams pick up. Simple fun, no drugs or alcohol. This weekend is lookin good. Hopefully camping with George after a Mountain Jam on friday.

You see ninety percent of my friends are musically inclined so they get a generator and a PA system, a bunch of people and instruments and set up a stage in the middle of the woods. They rock out all night, it's an amazing sight. I'm going to help my friend Dave load up and set up if I get done working before too late. I may even play. I taught myself a nice run of "Rollin on the River, Bad Moon Risin' with a riff that leads right into Bobby McGee. Can't wait.

That is Friday. Saturday we're going to the Bloomsburg Fair, then Bone's Bar that night. Sunday we're hiking in the Finger Lakes region then four wheelin' then our friends band practice. Gotta save some energy to make it through.

I got some nice pics on my adventures today which I will post from home later on today.

Everything seems well, but I do have a dilemma. My friend Todd is going through some stuff right now with his wife and life. We always turn to each other for help, but his wife is hurting because of it. She e mailed me stating that we should just be together and all this crap. I don't even know what to say to her. I have my own path and intentions. This girl just wants to have fun and be fulfilled. So far so damn good, and it's getting better all the time. Learn as you go and break relationships that don't let you be free. Don't go to places you dislike. Don't associate with people who want to bring you down to their level. Change, be you, be fun, and make smiles on every face. My favorite saying of all time, and I'm not even sure where it originates; Dance like no one is watching!!!! Have fun kiddies.

Not that I am but today everything is good. I got to spend time with my two year old buddy who makes my day. Now, I'm enjoying some coffee and mapping out a hike that I will venture on later with friends. Looks like we're going to head about four miles. Two of us just did a four mile the other day so it shouldn't be too difficult.

I find breathing a lot easier when I have good people to share it with. I have loads of energy. I'm not sure whether to save it or spend it. Last night I met up with George, had a drink and reminisced through the past eleven years that we've known each other. Too many good times to try to recall all in one night. I am glad where this is heading, I can finally be me and not be afraid of what to expect because we truly know one another.

I guess I have to change to caption to my blog. This blog was started when I thought I was slowly losing my mind. I no longer am. It wasn't his fault...the ex fiancee....it was Our fault. I just hope we can be in the same room without tension. Especially with our relationships to be. I do want him to know...if you come across this...that you should enjoy yourself, go for the girl, and try not to think so much and you'll be a lot happier.

In the meantime, I'm going to ride this wave whether it is to crash and dissipate or bring in the Cape May Diamonds. It's fun to be me.

"He had his hands under my head the whole time we made love..it made me feel like I was washing down the watefall into a million smooth particles" 

The light at the end of the tunnel was so much closer then I thought. 

words escape me 

Crash into me 

Just got home last night from a five day excursion to Cape May. Ahhh. Me, my good friend Kelly, her mom and step dad and their two Pughs....Dudley and Mozart. We had two friends of ours drive down on Saturday and stayed until Sunday night. The ocean is so romantic. We did a lot of walking of the beach and swimming and biking. I am so glad I went....

romantic it is, the sounds of the waves...
God put them here for you...
The seagulls in the sky as they sing lullabyes..
That God had written for you...
Sitting next to you in the sand and the sun sinks below the water..
In the land that God made for you..
Sharing our hands as we gaze at the stars..
In the universe that God made for you.

Thanks for the weekend guys, I'll never forget.

So excited to put my life together again. I finally get to be myself and do what I wish. I have so many options to start things and change the world, even if it is in the smallest way. Don't ever forget to dream.

I must recommend this web page for everyone to see. I know we here about September 11, 2001 on a daily basis. But, for the sake of making sure we don't forget, this site brings back those feelings of that morning. Makes you wonder how we all came together so quickly yet in the last few years, we let ourselves go all over again. Please take a look at this...it's worth the emotion:

This is a must see! Make sure your sound is turned up and you are still on line , and be prepared for some graphic images. I commend the man who created this site; it really gets the point across.<http://members.cox.net/classicweb/email.htm

Thank you.

This is the tree house in progress that the little ones I watch are working on. 

This is a zoom in of the view from PINE VIEW, a lookout on top of Laurel Run Mnt., Laurel Run PA. 

Sometimes even mistakes like a slide of hand can be a beautiful thing. 

and I didn't even drink a lot. I'm not sure if that's something I should be proud of. This weekend was something else. So many adventures and good times spent with good friends. In fact so much has gone on that I am writing it in full (or as full as I can muster) on my home PC and will post once I am finished. I also have some interesting pictures from the flood in my home town. We spent most of the weekend watching the water rise and fall and flood the streets of Wilkes-Barre. I had an adventure inside an abandoned hotel, cemetery, and Kirby Park. Good times....I'll get back to all that later on today with a little luck and much motivation. Until then....

"Nobody stopped thinking about those psychedelic experiences. Once you've been to some of those places, you think, "How can I get back there again but make it a little easier on myself?"---Jerry Garcia

I'll find it. I don't think I'm too far gone yet. Maybe sometimes I try to pretened to myself that I am. You see this way, when things really get out of control in my world I can just blame the insanity. It's pretty sad when your trying to see through yourself, and succeed.

I should end this entry there, but I won't, cause it's raining outside and I have nothing to clean. I know I should be playing my guitar right now but I'm not. I have a headach, everytime it's overcast.

OOO, maybe I'll take a walk in the rain. I love walking in the rain, through the woods. You can sing as loud as you want because you know no one is around. Even if you did run into someone, I'm sure there out walking around in the rain for the same kinds of reasons. So f them if they do hear me belting out some Paul Simon. Maybe they will join in. It's almost a majestic rainfall outside; it's foggy up here on the mountain, and the rain is steady, thick, fat drops. I glance nextdoor and my neighbor's top is off her Jeep. Whoops. I found a tarp, I know it's already soaked but it can help.

A walk, perhaps......

Normally I won't write about the everyday crap, but today that's all I got. Just finished up washing and cleaning out my Jeep. It needed it bad. The little one is napping and I don't think I'll be here working too late today. Once the seven year old gets home from school I'm going to take them to my friends house. (she just got a trampoline) Then tonight we have open mic night at Bone's bar. A lot of my friends play and they really jam. I look forward to it every week. It's always a good time. Other than that today I'm taking off of my mind all the damn things that make me question my direction. I just want to enjoy my company, even for now if it is myself. I gotta stop there or I'll go off on a tangent. I got an hour till the other one gets home from school and instead of writing I think I will read the other blogs. Some I find quite interesting, some are ridiculous, but its all real. It helps pass the time. It's even better when you find another person, perhaps across the planet who relates to you. That is what I will search for today, shouldn't be too hard. Peace

So I walk up on high
and I step to the edge
To see the world below,
and I laugh to myself
As the tears roll down,
Cause it's the world I know.....

Something to think about there, anyone remember the video. Makes me laugh. I think about all the little things that I let take my sanity away, piece by bitter piece, and I come up with the solution in an old song. Can't let the world do these things to me, cause no matter what, it's still going down. Bad things will forever be but not in my world, cause I know I can change my surroundings.

The two year old that I care for during the day opens his sleepy eyes this morning, he looks right up at me with a huge smile and says "Hi manda, I love you", Nothing can top that.

I have nothing special to offer this blank page today. I learned a few new things today that I will try to remember as life goes on. I can't be serious, I just got done with this engagement and opportunity is knocking left and right. So I think to myself, which way should I go, what should I do, what would be best, what would make people happy? Truth be told, I don't care. I'm not going to analyze this, I'm just going to relax and do what I do best...........have fun. I mean, do we all really need some kind of label on every relationship we form around us, be friends or lover?? No, I know a lot out there do, but I don't. I no longer feel the need for status. Let's see how long it lasts.

Maybe this book has been the stem of my recent depression.

I read it in a few days and it was an excellent book. I'd recommend it to anyone who may believe in true love, or anyone who wants a glimpse of what one should really feel like if they are with the one they are meant for. It was depressing for me though because I believe I had that kind of love once, but couldn't handle it, and let it go. If it was meant to be then indeed I believe it will still happen. Maybe not anytime soon, but, I still hold on to that small word that means so much...."Faith". Time will tell.

For now, my weekend was a drunken mess. I did have fun, but studies have proved that excessive drinking will cause temporary bouts with depression. I laid in bed yesterday...all day. I tried not to think too much. Today, I am back at work after hiding in the woods for the the last few days of last week. It was nice to be on foot and in nature. My only complaint there was it taking me an hour to get a fire going just to heat up some soup. Not all my fault, it rained quite a bit the day before. So nice..........so peaceful.....if society was different, that would be my world. A hut in the woods. The only thing I fear I would miss from the real world would be an occasional shower.

I may go out tonight for a little while, check out one of my fav. bands. I'll see how I feel. I don't want to die at the present moment but who knows what kind of tricks my mind may play on me as the day goes on. A friend of mine made a good point. I have moved four times in the past six months and I have been engaged and un-engaged and just a whole lot has happened. My friend suggested that none of it really had the chance to sink into my brain and now it's catching up with me. So, it's time to deal with it and smile again. Today it's nice not to be insane. When it comes back to take hold of me, I'll be sure to let you know. Until next time.

I thought I'd share it with the blogging world;

I am growing more unstable each day and I'm not sure how to handle it. I literally feel as if I'm drifting away and I am sorry not to add comment here. It's an odd feeling, you think that I would be sad knowing that I may never return to the person inside myself that I once loved, but I'm not sad, I'm more scared. I don't want to turn into some kind of demon. I wish I knew what was doing it to me, what is making me crazy. It would be so much easier to blame the alcohol or drugs. Maybe I should start doing drugs. So I ask of you a favor, don't ever hate me, because I really have no clue what I'm doing here on this planet, I'm just winging it as I go. And when the day comes that you all realize that I am indeed crazy, just know that I tried to tell people, but no one really believed me, but believe me, I am slowly losing it. I think I'll be relieved when I don’t have to care anymore. But for now, I am indeed happy. so most of this has no matter now, but it will eventually. Thanks for listening, and making me smile.

I can't take the roller coaster that my emotions have been riding on recently. It's almost to the point that it's insane. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I am going. I just know that I still smile A LOT. What else do I have to do when I can't even trust myself to speak to my friends in fear that they may just think that I am going crazy. Guess I'll try to enjoy this ride like I have all the others. It's almost like kissingyourfriend in the pouring rain nexttothehighway at odd hours of lifeand not wantingtostopkissingthemever because youknowitmaybe yourlast memory of them. You gotta make the best of each moment and by all means TAKE CHANCES. You may end up hurting people if they don't understand that this is who you are. This is who I am, crazy or sane, take it or leave it, Bottom Line; I just don't know wtf I am doing, on a daily basis, it keeps things interesting.

In search of something inspiring. This dreamlike state I awoke in today will not shake. It's making me think things. Questioning all the relationships surrounding me. I've been seeking simple fun again. Remember simple fun? It's when boredom and silliness come together and make memories. Those are the best times of my life. When everyone's hanging out and being silly and having fun without the need for drugs or alcohol. You don't need outside forces to have fun, just good company. Although now I realize that I need to find that again. This summer was spent with the company of a lot of alcohol. Today's haze comes from a wild weekend which largely contained silliness and alcohol. This was a nice weekend to say goodbye to summer. Right at the start of the season I lost what I call a "summer friend". A summer friend is someone you rarely see throughout winter and once the weather turns warm your with them daily. He was a great man and that is all I can say about it without upsetting myself. His death was sudden and tragic and because no one knows the truth behind it, it is too painful to let myself write full detail about him. Perhaps some other time. With that said, the summer did start quietly but we came through did our usual, camped and jammed and drank and laugh. This was a great season and I started it single and spent the whole middle as someone's fiancee and now it's ending and I'm single again. How quickly things change. Everyday is a challenge and a lesson. Some times I hate myself but I don't think you can change how you feel about the world, I think the world does it for you. So, with fall on it's way in my memory I can smell the leaves turning and popcorn from the microwave as I curl up on the couch to watch a movie and avoid the chilly autumn air. It's time for nature to rest and that in turn is what I will do this fall. Rest.

as if they're not already. I've never felt more like myself then I have in the past few days. I guess just living back at home helps. Not only can I really be myself here, I've been back around the only people I can really call friends again. Cause I can really be myself with them too. I like to be as silly as possible sometimes. Most times it seems as if the only memories we can recall are bad ones, cause those are the things that stick in your minds. But if you try to be as silly as you can possibly be, your making memories in all those around you at that time. "Remember the time....." Ahh, a breath of fresh air. Being back up here on the mountain is the only place I want to reside. Aside from the smell of old dog poop in the back yard, it just makes you feel more alive. Tonight is open mic night at my favorite local bar and I'm feelin good enough that I just might play a few tunes myself. We'll see how it goes. I've still got the whole day ahead of myself. I'm gonna do a little reading, a little writing, a little hiking, shopping, and stretching. Take a moment today to look at the person you love, no matter what the situation is, and remember the smallest most insignificant detail that makes you love them. Just for me do it. Thanks.

So many of us, too many I know, and not any to admit, act under a different image for each group of people they are around. Depends on the company I guess. Most of us act a little more humane around certain groups of other humans, like children for example. I don't care if you have the mouth of a truck driver (no offense dad) when a child is around you send that signal to your brain to turn it off. Or parents for example, my parents know me better than anyone and we have a great relationship. I must admit though, there are certain phrases I do not use in their presence. That is out of respect. What I do not respect is people who feel they have to act out in front of others to "impress them."
That is ridiculous.
Childlike.
Unnessesary.
Moronic.

No offense, but I believe it more to be about having a penis. I was blessed without one of those attitude extensions that seem to just make the general male look like an ass. (Not all, but a large percent, and very few of my male friends) If a male is around other males who are drunk and playing guitars, it tends to be mild and fun and simple. But, if its a crowd of drunken men in front of a pretty girl it turns into a peeing contest.

I apologize for going of on men, cause it's not just you, we all do it. I just don't get it. Isn't it easier to be the same all the time, yourself, and not have to remember how to act in certain company?? It's so much more fun when you don't need to try to be accepted, your more accepted when people know you, not how you act in front of joe schmoe as apposed to jane. Just do me a favor, and be true to yourself and your feelings, no matter what, and it'll avoid having to go back to the people you unnessesarily vented to in the heat of anger. You say things you don't mean, imbelish reality and make other people look bad for no good reason other then stooping to a level or two below you.
Thanks. Today will be fun!!!