We're all human

That is the good thing,. It was a pleasant night, my wits are still about me. The children are sleeping, the father is unloading his gear from the music that filled our ears.

I myself being about myself must get something out of my brain on onto this white blinking screen. That thing, that wired growth on my that has been plaguing my mind with wonder for almost two years now, decided to burst tonight. It bleed profusely for a while and now it is clogged and purple and quite awful to look at. I am scared sitting here sober at one o'clock in the morning. What is it? Some friends have offered some opinions. None that I would like to accept. Some that scare me enough to make me want to slice it clean off. Either way, what will be will be. It does worry me, but I don't like to think of it. There is so much more that I worry about that I won't let them see. Why show the fear of some thing that seems so minute when there is more going on around me?

There I wrote it. I don't know what good will come of that, but I don't know how much longer I can pretend not to care when in reality it keeps me awake at night.

I saw a lot of good souls tonight in different states of mind. It was fun. I also saw a lot of disturbed one's in states of minds that I myself don't choose to be in.

Hold the throttle in wide open so we can see how retarded you are.

I will sleep well. I'm halfway there now. Do I publish or delete. Either way I will feel the same. Often times I do wish to start a blog that no one has the address to so I can say the things that I'd like to say without offending anyone or more so giving anyone reason to worry about me. I am good and I am one of those that thinks that I can fix it all myself. But I do love you all either way. Goodnight.

flowers sleeping in their beds. The city cemetary's humming, I'm wide awake it's morning.

Blaring through my radio on my ride up the mountain this morning. It made me feel like I wasn't dreaming anmore. I want a night without dreams. Please don't take this too personally but I would aslo like a few choice friends of mine to blow me. Whine, whine, whine. I just want people to do what they have to do.

Tonight will be peaceful and hopefully I can put some smiles in places that need them. Sorry if you think I'm being a dick friends but hey, take a look from another view and you might see why one would be annoyed.

As for the weekend. I've requested to have the company of children on Sat. for the fireman's bazaar. Tomorrow I'll be at Franchelle's for a few hours, and then ??? Gonna put new brakes on the old girl and wheel her on Sunday. Hope your all.

last night it was incredible to see.

What happens when as ant gets pegged by a fat raindrop? That's gotta suck.

I saw people last night on my drive. I would drive by them and they'd shout "Hey Amie" and "What's up Amanda?" I don't know why I never stopped. Maybe it was because I couldn't make out the faces, or just didn't look hard enough to try and see who they were. Maybe I was enjoying the simple company of myself. I mean if you can't amuse yourself who can?

Anyway watching the lightning all around, above and beyond the mountains. Someone told me recently that it usually rains for a few weeks after a shuttle is launched into space. I am not sure if this is true but it wouldn't surprise me. Guess I'll have to look that one up and get back to you.

I got this e mail from my friend today. He was on a benefit motorcycle run and it ended in tragedy. An SUV going the opposite direction down the highway crossed over right into the path of the bikes killing a man and putting his wife in critical condition. I just thought I'd share with you. Although they couldn't save the man, it was my friend among others at the scene that automatically jumped in to try and save him. Here it is:

Hi Beautiful,

Just sitting here, going through my mail. I was on that bike run yesterday where that guy & his wife got killed. I just found out about his wife today. The news on T V is saying that she is still in intensive care. I tried to help Butch, but he was already gone. We turned him over to try and give him CPR, but his lips were blue, no pulse, and he wasn't breathing. We worked on him till the EMT's got there, & then we backed off. I just needed to tell somebody about it.

Thanks for listening,Tom

There are hero's right in our backyards. Makes me feel warm. I have often wondered how I would react in such situations. I would hope that I'd be able to put aside my fears and do whatever I could to help. Hell, my friend once got bit by a dog and I got squeamish. I think I'd be as brave as possible. I know I'd try.

It's a quite morning, which usually leads into a crazy afternoon. The shuttle will take off today and as I had said once before please keep these folks in your prayers.

I went to visit Aunt Ruthie over the weekend. Her face was swollen, but she was still Aunt Ruthie. The next surgery will be scheduled soon. It'll take place right outside of NY city, and she will be there for approx. five weeks. I plan to travel a lot back and fourth. I'm scared for her, I love her dearly.

Today I just wanted to put some of those fears I've been having in print. To see them in front of me gives me a sense that not only have I now acknowledged what is going on in my world, but that I can deal with them.

I am afraid that Mark will lose his patience with me, but until I can express my fears for what is going on around me, I don't expect him to understand. How can I expect him to when I myself can't speak it aloud. He has made me see what it is like to let some one into every aspect of your mind, all I have to do is keep the door fully open instead of slightly ajar.

Time for coffee.

I still have my blonde hair. I still have all my limbs and all five senses. I am still of small stature. I am still afraid of water. I am no longer lactose intollerant, nor is my asthma active. i still cry, and still laugh at the silliest of things. I still sleep on long car rides, and still reach out my hand to Mom and Dad for help. Every time I see a little girl dressed in pink I am reminded that pink was always Amie color and blue was always dolly color. I still have the doll that gave blue it's "dolly color" name.

Twenty five years later and I still suck my thumb. I am also still afraid of things such as "War of the Worlds", "The Blob", and a room full of strangers.

Some things will never change but so much still does. I am young, I am happy. My health is a big question mark but I have no one to blame but myself for that. I am proud of who I have become. I thank my family for that and the friends who have helped me be me. I would not change one single thing.

Twenty five years later and I am still lost as to which direction I should go in.
Twenty five years later and I know that if I can continue to be a good person, then direction seems irrelevent.

Twenty five years later and I am still miserable in the morning. I thank my friends for reminding me of that.

Happy almost birthday to me......

How about a prayer for the people who are hurling themselves into space this afternoon.

Until I got up to Rich's and saw Scooby-Doo sitting in my parking spot!
I was all like, "Hey, Scooby, my brother, whater you doing here?"
and he's all "I heard I could come up here and chill for the day, is that cool with you?"
so I was all like "Sure man, make yourself at home?"

Alright, odd enough. I get out of my Jeep and there are remenants of Scooby snacks, EVERYWHERE. He must've been tying one on all night long. How he found his way into my day, I am still not sure. He kept to himself most of the morning and I went about my usual routine.

Until I get upstairs to see the damage the boys have done to their rooms. I walk in and who is napping on Trevor's bed, Alice from Alice in Wonderland!! What the hell. So I nudged her a few times until she woke up and then that damn Rabbit friend of her's POPS out of R.J.'s bed. Man, I thought I jumped out of my body, it startled me so much. Neither of them said a word they just jumped up, ran into the bathroom, and flushed them selves down the toilet. I had to wash my eyes off in the sink to be sure I wasn't seeing anything. Sure enough you could still see that darn rabbits ears swirling down the toilet bowl.

Okay, so here I am and just when you think it couldn't get any bit stranger, it does. So to make a long story short, Mickey Mouse is folding the laundry in the kitchen, Duke is speaking to Sarah in French in the living room, and all the stuffed animals of the house are outside playing Marco Polo in the swimming pool.




Aren't imaginations fun.

I'll take a.....U please. I don't have anything to say but people are complaining that they have nothing to read. So brace yourself this will probably be silly.

I like a good thunder storm, last night was rockin.
I like a good BM.
I like when my belly doesn't hurt.
I love ice cream.

Now for my birthday list (it's in a week and a half).

I would like, world peace, a pair of new sandal's, a case of beer and my friends to come up to see Bone Jak play in the woods this Friday night. It'll be a blast.

I can't write anymore because I have a belly ach and I think I'm gonna keel over. Peace and Puke.

If your reading this, then you are human. Welcome. Some times we do things that we never thought we would do. But it happens and nine times out of ten it is not excusable but justifiable. Any one with children will go to extremes to protect them and do what is best for them. This is what makes you a good parent. I know we've all done things that we are not proud of, but be proud of being a good parent. You got to do what you've got to do and we love the ones that take care of us, watch out for us, make sure we're fed, and healthy (mentally and physically). That is all I have to say about that subject.

Now on another note. I smoke cigarettes, a lot of cigarettes. It's filthy and I know it'll kill me in the end, but I do it. On that note, remember when you were a kid and you'd go to the bank with your mom? You'd pull up to the drive through teller and the nice bank lady would give you a lollipop. It never failed, the lolipops were always there and you were always glad to go for a ride to the bank. Personally I liked getting the lollipop with the question marks on the wrapper. Then you had a big surprise in front of you to guess the flavor. Brace yourself folks, here is the kicker. Now we have these drive up windows on the tobacco outlets which I frequent. It's easy, especially when you have children with you. Instead of loading and unloading at your local convenient store, you can just pull up to these outlets, get your smokes, and be on your way. Well, they give children lolipops. The lady there today gave us a whole bag of them. What a message to send, first off the children know what I'm getting at this store but they don't care because they are kids. They....get candy. What kind of message is that sending. Think about it, I'm going to get something that's going to kill me but the kids are getting something they like. So it's not bad that we're there at this store, at least in there eyes. On top of everything that went on this holiday weekend, that is what I had to think about on the ride home from the store. Why don't they just hand out small plastic lungs that represent a smokers lung. You know, some nasty looking thing and make the kids think twice. Not to mention it would make adults think twice to when the nice lady at the smoke store is handing out these gruesome representations of what we do to bodies. Needles to say there will be no more trips to the tobacco outlets while children are in my care. That is all I have to say for now.

There is nothing more redundant then people who try to convince themselves to be happy for hours at a time. Then at the end of they're "happy shift" they are right back where they began. These are the people who can't appreciate themselves or the things that they do have. They will forever be unhappy and it is no one persons fault except their own.

I am happy with what I got. Sure things go to shit every now and then. Mostly I bitch about other people's unhappiness, but all I can do is be there for them. No folks, this isn't directed towards any one individual, just the general public. As for K and J, I am here no matter what. Too many end in failure and we pray that Love will prevail. Mr. Y, I have no help to give because I don't know how you are feeling, no matter what you do, I am your friend. I will support you and pray and will always be a part of the world of Y boys, you included.

Happy independence day everyone. Don't forget why our ancestors came to America and why we fought for freedom. Hope you all stay safe and enjoy the fireworks.