We're all human

The funeral had begun

In the middle of the day
when you drive home to your place
From that job that makes you sleep
back to the thoughts that keep you awake
Long after night has come to claim
any light that still remains
In the corner of the frame
that you put around her face

Two pills just weren't enough
The alarm clock's going off but you're not waking up This isnt happening happening happening happening happening


It is

Normally I will not delve into political issues, but today is the day.

Terri Shiavo passed away but a few moments ago. Honestly I've never been more disgusted in all my life. First of all, Mrs. Shiavo's husband was trying to let her die for so long now but the judicial system worked against him keeping her alive in a vegetated state for entirely too long.

Makes you want to write out your will even at age 24. For me anyway. Well the damn Govt. who was fighting to keep her alive were the ones that then helped to have the woman's feeding tube removed so she could starve to death over the last two weeks. How awful. Some are calling it Corporal Punishment and I can't help but agree. They fought so long to keep her alive with no quality of life and then let's her starve to death. I'd rather be lethally injected.

What is wrong with the way people rationalize this. I wish I can change the world but I know I can not and that is why I don't spend a lot of time bitching about these things. There is no use getting stressed out about the things we cannot change, accept them. That my friends is in the gospel. But empathy is a bitch and my heart goes out to Terri Shiavo's soul, and the ones who have loved her in her conscious and unconscious state.

I want to add one more thing....to all those out there suffering from eating disorders: Please know that this is what brought on the heart attack that led to Terri Shiavo's life in a vegetated state. It's a dangerous thing to mess with your body's natural needs like that. If you have a problem please think of this poor woman and the life she lacked.

As for the rest of the world, it's a nice day with some clouds threatening rain, but it is warm. I awoke to the birds again calling me out of my slumber and into the sunshine for the better part of the morning. I knew she was going to pass away today and as I sit here typing this, CNN is on in the other room showing the President of the United States talk about her death. What a joke.

Isn't it. My God, you know the town I live in is dull when the whole city finally comes out of their houses for fresh air and what? Oh yeah to see how high the damn river is. This is our most exciting time. I admit though as soon as the weather bug alerted me I went for a drive along the muddy banks of the Great Susquehanna. It's a muddy, fast flowing, smelly wonder. I do adore, I do.

Aside from that the Shrine Circus is in town. Not nearly the most exciting circus I have been to but indeed the only one that I have been to as far as circuses go. I'm more amused watching the crazies up the back throw tires on a fire in the pouring rain. O, wait that was me.

Srike two. So Trevor is here with me, we went to the park and for ice cream and will soon venture outside to see the flooded creek that runs along the property line. He's being quite and watching Queer Eye while I take a few minutes to drop these lines. Then I have to wonder if I will make a good parent. Hey the boy already adores the color purple so I don't think Queer Eye will do all that much harm.

I have found a love for the good old fashoined 40's. Beer that is. Nothing beats struggling to pick up a huge glass of warm beer and trying to drink as fast as you can before the temperature reaches the undrinkable stage. Cheers to all.

After that last post my friend e-mailed me and reminded me not to forget all the dad's that made Easter as well, thanks dad's. And thanks Mel.

Easter, when is it again? Oh yeah, it's on Sunday right? When? Oh my, it was yesterday? I guess the snow onthe ground and clouds filling the sky had me thinking it wasn't yet Christmas. I did indeed celebrate and my mothermad an incredible meal. Thanks to all the mom's of the world most of us had full bellies by three p.m.

The greatest part of my day: I WENT IN THE WOODS!! I didn't go very far, but I did bring the Jeep. Went to Sax Street and there was a crew of people there and dquite an impresive fire. It was so nice to be outside around the firelistening to good tunes and making future four wheeling plans and predicting the summer parties to come.
You may find it sad that just sitting by a fire outside for me, means being alive. I know a lot of folks would find it either boaring or dirty but ones like me live for it.

So I was up at dawn and under my care today are not only the two boys but my five year old friend Serenity. It's only nearingeleven o clock, but so far so good. No major arguments between them and no one has asked to go home yet, so cross yourfingers and I hope you all had a wonderful Easter.

HAVE A GOOD HOLIDAY EVERYONE!!!DON'T DO ANYTHING I WOULD DO!!!

There's more to the world than what I've seen
There's more to my life than my eulogy
and if I ask my maker for one more day
When all of my chances are slipping away
I hear the bells and I see the clouds
All of the people out thinking aloud
All of the whispers and laughter and calls
People out frantic in search of it all

There's one in a million I'd be here today
There's one in a million that I get to stay
And if I ask my maker to see me through
When it seems there's nothing more that I can do
There's more who will live when gone are my days
and the sands waiting last to be swept away
but I still have time to look to the sky
and search through the clouds for some kind of sign

Bring on the lightning in bolts like a train
Let loose the screams of a mad hurricane
Bring down the water in buckets and all
Shake up the earth where all here will fall
But nothing, no splash, no flash and no sound
all that is left is my feet on the ground

Now I remember that life was a ball
When I was the person in search of it al
lThere's one in a million I'd be here today
There's one in a million that I get to stay
And if I ask my maker to see me through
When it seems there's nothing more that I can do

EULOGY by BARBER

I sat outside on the stoop reading quietly as the train roared past,
and in all my life I've never seen a train go that fast.
It made me question if my presence was sensed,
or if I was as alone as I felt I was left.
Either way this day has brought out so much thought,
and I realized I haven't quite gotten as far off as "lost".
Confused indeed, and the answers still unattained.
But just as fast as it approached off went the train.


I am reading a new book, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and I cant even believe the significance behind this story. I'm enjoying it far more then I expected. It is sure to be one that I will add to my collection. Don't worry Dave you will get your copy back, not like "I'm WideAwake It's Morning." haha

It is the most beautiful day so far this year and after a little hike with the four little legs of my dog, and the two little legs of my Trevor, peaceful. I know as different as the three of us preceive this world, we all appreciated the beauty of what the hike was just the same. We all saw it through the same eyes and some how I don't think any of us will forget it.I often bark about wanting to be alone, but some times you can only improve your memories by adding new aspects.

I hate to be a stick in the mud but lets be realistic. There are certain drugs that are illegal for a reason and I hate that people enjoy the color white. I'm not against much but this indeed is one of those things.

I won't put you down for your dabbling, but it instills dissappointment on my part. The last thing in the world that I want is to say "enter name here" died of a heart attack cause "he/she" liked to dabble. So have your fun but remember the side effects.

My nose is running like a sonofabitch. It's warm and the Ladybugs are taking over once again. I am going to end up outside trying to make my truck a more reliable member of the Jeep society while entertaining small minds.

drinking a beer, wondering where I'm going from here.
I may sit here thinking or I may go home and crawl in bed.
I may drive off into the distance to live out the dreams in head.
I may fall asleep on the lap of my dog,
I may play my guitar until the morning brings fogg.
Either way I know my ride home will be right.
A peaceful breeze through the window, and the early Spring's night.
I may meet friends in old places or read new books upon request,
I may type out my longings to you or take an antiboitic to clear my chest,
I may call and wish you goodnight, but yours is as good as my guess.
Go as I may, I hope to wake early tomorrow,
and steal more time in which I have borrowed.
I hope that your life will lead you in peace
and I hope this night will lead you with ease.

the look in the eye of a dog taking a crap. Sorry but it's true and quite amusing. As the owner of the dog holding the other end of the leash and a car passes by, you have to wonder if it's okay that you are watching your dog take a crap. I can't say that my dog buddy has seen me doing my business, but I don't think I'd deny him the experiece should he ask nicely.

Anyway, friday rocked, good friends and a good atmosphere. Saturday at Miranda's and Kim's was fun too. I did end up leaving and I apologize for offending anyone but I got weirded out and hey, it happens. There are pics from the party at www.picturethisplease.blogspot.com Enjoy!

Yesterday, aside from a trip to the Snack Shack, I spent in bed still trying to fight off this head cold that consumes my breathing and nasal passages. The color green that fills my Puff's tissues is abscure shade that turns my stomach. Mukus be GONE!

I haven't budged much on my adventure of feeling shitty. If anything I've decided to hide it again. It has only casued harm to try and share it with others, so back into my cave I go until I decide that it makes some sort of sense to anyone, including myself. My world is clean, bedroom, Jeep, and almost hair, that makes me feel better.

More mukus, gotta go blow.

for my last entry. I'm not quite sure how to take things and Rich, I am sorry for going off the deep end. I know your trying to help and I appreciate your caring, but I don't think anything that can be spoken will help. This is in my brain and I'm doing okay figuring it out thus far.
Actually I haven't done much more about it then think. There is always something going on that takes my mind away from what I should be doing.

This weekend is going to rock aside from a few things I have to take care of. I'm ready for what is to be an awesome party at Miranda's and Kim's on Saturday. Good friends, music and drinks, can't wait. Tonight I'm going out with John and his nephew where ever that may lead us and Sunday I will be in the woods in myJeep if it kills me.

Last night I had a blast, ran into some old friends and life was and is a little better today. I will carry it through the weekend, back breaking and all. Trevor is smiling and some times you have to take the most simple thing and make it make your day.

Time for lunch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night was a long long long night. I had a dream that I awoke from a 12 year long coma. When I came out of it, no one was there, I had to try and find my family and friends. The only people I could find were Jarrad and Kelly, and as I asked them where this one was and that one, they were either dead or moved on. Then J and K took me into the woods where my heart lives in this present time, and they no longer existed. It was all commercial land and buildings. I was so sad and I wanted so badly for those I once knew to still be present. I couldn't believe that they had all left me.

Every time I woke up last night freaking out about the dream I would analyze it until I drifted back to sleep only to find myself back in the dream. It was a sick feeling. It did make me think about where is stemmed from and it did instill some new revelations in my thoughts.

In the dream every one was gone but two, and everything I loved about my world was gone with it. If I were to leave this world, though I know there are things waiting for me on the other side, I am not ready to leave behind what I love here on this planet.

And just a minute ago, I learned from a friend via AOL that my best friends Grandmother has passed away. Say a prayer for him and his family and her strong soul. I'm so sorry Todd. I wish I could be there, but know that I am for anything you need.

With that, and the dream I had last night, I am glad that I have not given up.

Well now that I don't feel like killing myself anymore....Hello. F-ing weather is clogging my brain with sick thoughts, so I decided not to think for a while.

I have a great show to go to tonight with good friends and happy drinks.

How do you feel about your choice for birth control?

I have no idea what to talk about today, I am happily hung over. And my beer breath will not disipate. It's all good, the dogs don't seem to mind. Isn't it great when some one has really bad breath and you get to be the only one in a crowd that they want to talk to. The other night I drank Ginger Ale instead of beer, and every one smelled real bad. Maybe that is why I drink, I like to be like everybody else. Wrong. If I was like every one else I would be raising money for a boob job. (Mail donations to 144 Laurel....hahahahah) No boobs, I was blessed with nice elbows and for that I am thankful.

Wow, coffee is good. For those of us who choose prayer for healing say a little something today for my friends Grandmother. Thank u. Well now I must look for music to play before my breath hits me back in my face and I vomit up jet fuel coffee.

The weather sucks, but I know better days are coming. I can see it blowing in even through this fridgid wind. It'll be nice to be outside again. I looked in the mirror today and thought I had snow blindness but in actuality it was my pale skin reflecting off the windows into the mirror. Now I know why people go tanning in the dead of the season.

Ginger Ale has become my drug of choice. Staying away from getting blinded drunk (except for monday's and Spookie Daly Pride shows) FRIDAY IS THE DAY. The best live band one can see and I will be right up front with countless friends. Hope Dave will pick me up off the floor again.

Hope your all.

Someone hear me, I want to thank you for my patience. The unknown fact that I'd rather die then sleep. So much to see and not nearly as many ears to hear.

Shown by experience that I can feel for life once again.
When every song sounds like the end.
Just a riff from a sight I have yet to miss.
A jump from a dark cliff I have yet to risk.
Ran into you in the most obscure place.
None I've missed yet, no feeling, no face.


Bright Eyes have captured me to the highest point. Equal to what Radiohead once meant.

They make me feel when all else has failed.
The meaning, unbenounced to me has to do with what should, but never will be.
The closest I will ever come to being taken as far away as he has me,
Is through music like this that makes me remember to see.

I know you all love me, equally but different. Tell myself to go away, far away. I reminded myself that I do exist. I front for a simple smile then for my very own self. I'm finding it again...A reason, my reason, to regain tonight and embrace tomorrow. I'm still alive.

Who needs therapy when you have a canvas and accessories? I'm going to let myself be brought to this. When you find something inspiring you cant stop painting or writing and creating because of it. But it hides and we hide. We know yet deny. We breathe and smile still, in denial. I keep killing time. I hope your journey always find you in good health.

Everyone I know wants me to be a different person for each of them. Sorry but I am the same to all of you. I may act differently in certain situations but the values and components that make up who I am are still what they are. I've rendered myself useless because I can't be everything for everyone. If I could then my purpose would finally be served and I can finally put an end to the madness that emanates from this earth. I'm always trying to escape, but the exits are blocked and my reality frightens me. The choices I should of made and those I still can seem so wrong. I miss being content even in poverty and sadness I have always been but I want so much more then my emotional means can comprehend. Content, find me again.

Happiness could be this candle that burns if front of me from a friend for Christmas. Or the juice I sip from now that was purchased from on a shopping excursion I will never forget.

I'm searching for a way to always be happy and I haven't felt at home is so many years and so many houses. "So I'm always pacin' around or walkin' away" Truth is words.

Every time I make a friend, I miss the one I made last. It always feels like the end of the world and this is my inspiration for wanting for run free all the time. Woods, Bars, Friends houses. I'm always trying to get it all in. I'm tired, and it shows. I hate that I can't be who everyone wants. I don't ever want to lose myself again. If I do then these words would never end and I'd write myself right past delusion and into insanity. I want to make everyone smile again. Just know that I'm working on it. I'm not always willing to share with people that I'm not okay. Just writing it down makes it all seem like it is.

Sometimes change is bad and I firmly believe that optimism is a powerful thing.

The less I've been drinking the more I have been dreaming. It's strange dreams and they are very vivid and they involve people I know now and people who I haven't know for some time. Tomorrow when you wake up and go outside try to smell the hint of spring in the air. Maybe if we all breathe in deep enough we can help pull it our way.

Leaky unit is almost at an end and I am on my way to the hospital to visit my Aunt. Smile and eat soup.