We're all human

Check out this web site, you type in a word or your name and they make a slogan out of it. It's funny: http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan?word=truck%20or%20troy

I fell into fake plastic trees last night....I awoke hours later almost nearly alive. Checked my pulse and put on a smile, brushed my teeth and headed down the five mile. Stopped at the park and puffed on my pipe, looked at the clock, four hours past midnight. Another night's sleep lost some where in time, another morning breaking again I am high. Put the Cherokee in drive and head back down the dark road, roll down my window and smell this air I call home.

Over loaded, my silly brain. Lacking some thing.....something......what, I don't know. Feel like Rain man. Maybe I'll write more later that makes a little more sense. Sorry folks, I'm hangin.

You've been "let down and hanging around" but it's your own fault. As always, thanks for Radiohead.

Thanksgiving is gone, and I, am alive. It was something. We ate, drank wine and brought together family and friends. We made it with no problems and I also got to see my family from NJ. I do have one complaint.....INSOMNIA.

Oh God, please help me to sleep again. It started a few weeks ago, just here and there, not every night. Ever since Thanksgiving night, I'm having the hardest time. I'm so tired at night, and I've tried just about every thing. Warm milk, alcohol, t.v., no t.v., reading, counting sheep, and lastly...late night jogs around the park. Still, it takes till the sun is rising again for me to close my eyes. Then when the alarm goes off I have to kick myself out of bed and look into the mirror at blood shot eyes and pretend that I'm going to make it through the day without worrying about my sleeplessness. Any suggestions.

All that aside I feel alright. I've been missing some old friends, Vinny, Mel, Alan, George, Jarrad, the old crew. We're all so busy. I just want one more night in the woods around the fire with these people and a few others to talk about old times and bitch about the future. Times they are a changin. Remember late night cards and stupid human tricks in four wheel drives, sneeking up to bedroom windows and the drama that is Crystal. Curry Doughnuts and Brian (Jesus). Twister and cook outs and big Brian across the road looking for vinegar to soak his feet in. Vinny's Tempo reaching 100 thousand miles and messing with a CAT parked in the woods in the middle of Dallas. Peach and his moo juice and so much more.

Good times are all around if you busy folk just stop for a night here and there to get together and let loose. Maybe it's the insomnia talking here, but lately I've been at a stand still. Having fun for me changes so rapidly, could be ADD. I'm in need of nothing more than sleep and a blue Monday. I'd like to get you all together before Christmas for a night at Lispi's. Let me know when you all can make it happen.

I hope every one had a good holiday and cheers be of more good ones to come.

I received an early Christmas present from my parents last night! It's my C-281 PASSBOOK for my Civil Service exam-Forest Ranger. I am so psyched. I haven't put it down much since last night. Aside from sleeping at what not. I'm surprised by the information content of this book. It's much more extensive than I had expected but am equally eager for the challenge. I feel like I'm taking steps. It's so good.

Aside from that I am sick. Head cold, and it's driving me out of my mind. I am miserable when I'm sick. Tonight I've got big plans for Stoney Creek at Bone's with lots of good friends. I want to have fun and I'm hoping my cold doesn't get in the way of my usual self.

I still have much to do for tomorrow. I'm not worried because I know everything will fall into place. It always does and if for some act of God it doesn't..it will still be alright, because I will make it that way.

Tomorrow along with Thanksgiving is Todd's birthday. So happy birthday Todd, eat, drink, and be merry!

I'm still anticipating that sadness that may ensue tomorrow at one point or another, but my friend sent me a thought of inspiration. Take the missing part and use it to enjoy who is with me this holiday. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and do enjoy your company. You never know what next year may bring.

Peace and Love to all!

Two year old little boy Trevor. I tickled his feet until he rolled over and I got my "Good morning Manda", in the sweetest, groggiest, two year old voice. Put a smile on my face every morning.

As winter comes, each weekend grows calmer, more peaceful. There is going to be a tinge of sadness secretly surrounding a lot of us this Thanksgiving. My family will be missing my Grandmother. My ex's family will be missing their cousin. Both of which significant in my life and both of which passed away on the same cold Jan. morning this 2004 within minutes of each other. We have my best friend, whose husband has been in Iraq for almost a year now, along with a large number of other soldiers from our area. There is also friends with broken families, children away from mothers and fathers separated from their children. So to any of you who will be noticing an empty chair or two at your Thanksgiving day feast, I pray for you to help the others fill that void with stories and laughter. I miss her everyday. This holiday is my favorite, (and you guys thought I enjoyed my birthday!) . So this year...I am cooking at my good friend Rich's house. The door is open to anyone who is missing family or has no one to share this day with. Lets hope the food is good, but the company guaranteed will be wonderful.

I think it's going to snow on Thursday. No promises here folks, but I can feel a flurry coming on. I'm actually praying for it. I know there will be a point in the day that tears will come to my eyes for the ones I miss, but you know I will make it fun.

I hope your all geared up for the day and especially that night, Stoney Creek at the Bone Yard. Gonna have to watch my alcohol intake that night because I'll be watching after three children the following day. Bright and early 6 a.m. Maybe it will snow and we'll get to sleigh ride!! Yippie!

DMB, hello again it's been too long, too long too long, hello again.

What a night last night. A few friends jammin out at Rich's. It was quite an experience.

Rich is outside fixing my exhaust and I am inside playing on the computer feeling guilty for not being outside with Rich fixing my exhaust. I have a new second cousin, born at 12:18 p.m. yesterday, name is still undecided.

I see a hint of blue trying to push through the clouds. It's been dreary, but warm. I finally learned how to play my favorite song on guitar yesterday. I can't stop playing it, heck, I'm proud. Thanks to some one for simplifying it for me. I know I can do pretty much anything I set my mind to. The problem is, that I always look it from the from the hardest angle. All I need to some one to show me how simple it can be and then boom. So there you have it folks, I am no genius, nor do I play one on t.v.

I want to get together with some friends that I haven't seen much of these days. So, there is my mission. I'll wait for my Jeep to be done, then look out people, here I come.

I just need to breathe. Every thing else today is irrelevant. I have so much to do on so little sleep. Things will work out, though it be a struggle. I will share it with you my readers, you just have to give me another week to get the facts together. In the meantime, I will still smile, but I'm drained. Too many thoughts.

Just a draft here for a new song, still have a lot of work to do, but so far:

Maybe I was feeling my mortality.
Maybe wanted to find a way around the guard rail for me.
I know I was going to accuse myself of thinking too much.
So damn much.

Well, either way, I did, and you know why.
Know me so well.
Better than myself?
Cause I'm not sure why I came here tonight.
Leave it up to you to know what's right.

Can you give me a hand?
This might be the end if you shouldn't help me hang on.
My heads doing double time but my bodies still strong.
On the clearing looking out at my world.
Searching for an excuse why I'm acting so absurd.
I remember when the view from up here was so clear.
But the haze overtakes what I will always hold dear.

That's all I got, it needs a lot of work, but the meaning to me goes so far beyond what anyone will get that they just might like it.

Aside from all that, they put a long guard rail up on the road we use to access our woods. I'm glad to say that I'm one of the two last people to drive over the hump before they put up the rail this morning. It saddens me, but like I say, they keep building on up we keep breaking on through.

When they first built they exit, I made a huge sign with the help of a friend. It read "This used to be my playground, now it's another road to your rat race." I wish I had a picture of that. My friend might, but it was so long ago since I had the desire to speak to her. I'm glad we did it, it lasted for a few months before it was finally taken down. Guess that is about all the rebel you'll get out of me.

Not sure what the weekend has in store. I want to spend as much time with my friend in need as I can. For now, I need sleep real bad.

My thought of the day: To be normal and still be "me" is an oxi-moron.

My friend has a problem. I can't share it at this time, but it has made me think about thinking again.

Thank God we can't all see into the future. If we could I think we would all be going off the deep end and acting crazy to try and change the things that we don't want to happen. But we are in reality and reality has no boundaries of what might happen from one moment to the next. It makes some of us hard and bitter. Don't be. Embracing the unpredictable will only make the good suprising worth the wait. It is always possible to find the good in the bad, and make the situation at hand less sour.

Live without regrets.

Lastly remember that your friends are always there for you to lean on. I hope my friends know that though we may not see eachother every day, or every week for that matter, I am here no matter what. Anytime you need to vent or talk or yell or cry.

What a weekend. Fun, fun, and then when I least expected it....I had more fun. But you know what's not so much fun? Feeling. I don't consider myself emotional, and I hope I don't come off that way. I do, although, hide it. When you feel fun or happy, life is good. When you feel for some one that can be good, but for me it's more or less dangerous. I haven't felt this particular way in so long, I thought it was but a memory. I know I'm going to get burned going down this road. If not, then I will be more than happy to share but my predictions are usually solid. Singing. Happy. Amanda. Never. so Emotional. Poop on me.

See how easy it is to end the serious side of myself. Great times, the Rodeo and then the Irish sing along. Then a trip to Whisky Business in the middle of Saturday. Then OZ at the Bone Yard. Had some drama there that I do not wish to share but must face, perhaps today. Time, time....it just keeps going on. I know I'm living in it and loving it but I've had some dark thoughts.

I always thought I could handle my own death. I know where I'm going, well I know I'm going to heaven, yet what it is will make me crazy trying to picture. I just fear leaving my own body. Will I be able to fly? Will I reunite with loves long gone. Will there be great joy. Maybe more then anything, I fear not knowing if I am dead or alive. Guess I'll know when I get there. Alas, time to go back to chewing bubble gum.

Snow, snow SnoW! I mean it's not flurries, it's snowing sweet pea's. I like it, too bad the ground isn't cold enough cause it's hitting and melting and that in itself is kind of sad.

Open Mic night last night, I played a few tunes. I was drunk, but so was the rest of the crowd and we all thought I sounded perty good. I'm just glad I got over the hump.

"Dick" came last to the bar night. I'm torn between being mad and not knowing how to be. I can't turn my back and be a jerk, though because like it or not, these past few months, we've become close friends. I am sorry that I won't let myself feel the same. There are goals I need to accomplish and past relationships that I still need to justify. So I have apologized to him though he's not sure why but this is why. With time comes answers i suppose.

I've felt more like myself these last two days and I hope to keep that going. I'm trying to get Fruit to join me on my park ranger adventure. He's like me, outdoors and what not so I think it would suit him well. He's shown interest, so as I learn how it works I will pass it along to him.

It seems like so long since I've seen some of my friends. Melany, Vinny, George and others. It hasn't been more than a week..I think. It just feels that way. So I hope to see you all this weekend with smiling faces and full glasses. It reminds me of being24andrunningthroughthetubes atyourlocalMcdonaldsintheplayarea with another twentyyearold, hertwonieces, andtrevorandrj. Ah, the times I will never forget.

Oh to be seven. Kelly and I took the boys and her niece to Kirby Park today. It was a beautiful day. We watched as the two seven year olds, a boy and a girl, chased each other around the playground. I don' t think I've ever seen two so young flirting with one another. Let me say, they do it better than I. So innocent, or are they?


What a day. I have a lot of practicing to do. But first I'm going home now for a run, I need to get out some pent up frustration. It will be peacefull. Until then, wish me luck.

Things are alright. I'm real excited about a new job. Especially because the woods are my life, and to get paid to make them better or make a difference will be the most meaningful move I have ever made. Support me friends and most of all push me. I get intimidated easily though I think I hide it well.

I haven't heard from one of my close friends in a while and I"m worried. I'll put out the MPR by the end of the week.


Tonight some friends and I are taking a friend to Pizza Perfect. It's his favorite place and he doesn't get out much aside from work. It'll be fun. Then I'm supposed to watch vanilla Sky at Dave's house. It's his favorite movie and thinks I'll enjoy it.

The weekend was kind of calm. I don't recall too many interesting things aside from the LCB harassing us as we left the bar in Mnt. top. Of course I was out on Monday. Good Times but for a rare instance, I drank entirely too much. I was sloshed and didn't like it. I think I had fun, but it wasn't fun when my bed took me for a ride on the carousel at three in the morning. I didn't throw up. Yeah Me!!

Looking forward to open Mic night tomorrow. I live for Monday's and Thurday's. Let life be normal again.

I'm not sure who said it aside from my father Saturday morning as we ventured through the woods with some tobacco and a metal detector. It was great to spent time like that. He is the reason I am the way I am.....woodsy. Looking forward to our next adventure together. We found a great cave just when the flashlight died out. So here's to next weekend!

Then we had five year old Serenity's birthday party. It was a little freaky considering every little girl there had bright blonde hair and they only children that didn't were three little boys. I think it's a conspiracy.

My friend also surprised me with a box of "Forrest Gump Chocolates" in honor of my blog....Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get. Ha ha ha. I'll try to keep you all interested.

Yesterday my friend John finally got his puppy from the S.P.C.A. She is so great. We took her to Kirby Park just in time to catch the Veterans Day Parade. I haven't been to a parade since I don't know when. It was nostalgic. Made me think of my friends in Iraq and so forth and miss them very much. That is until my leaky unit gave way and we had to get back to the park for a little plugg party.

I spent the remainder of my day in the woods, in my Jeep, with my guitar. I learned a lot and sang my heart out. I'm glad I went.

Today, I'm off to try and get my old job back. I still want to take care of the boys but I need to do more, straighten my world out. Tonight I a Bone's night for the S.S.I. I can't help it folks this band blows my mind and I need to go...it's an addiction.

Hopefully I will sign back on later with words more deep. My brain has been doing overtime since Friday and I think by getting it all out I will finally rest tonight. Peace

I'm hiding today, is that alright with everyone. I need to get my thoughts together. People always read into me more than necessary and then they end up hurt. What am I losing in translation. Think I'm gonna be sick.

I got a letter from a friend today and I need to reply but I don't know how to. I don't know much today. So I'll continue to hide until night is upon us.

More good times. Aside from a friend with a broken heart. She shared a lot of words with me last night and I took a few of those words to heart, insipired me in some way. These are what came from the words:


If you fall in love with her please let me know....So I can move on.

I live for that moment to determine my fate.
Seasons repetitive changing without you I wait.
Growing old and gray and alone with my cats.
Still waiting for you through this man and that.

When people are hurting it sucks.

Even moreso I am sad to say that for the first time since times not remembered I got my ass kicked in Chess. Kris beat me, damn. I did master the art of winning tic-tac-tow. And a group of us sat in the back room playing hangman on napkins. Such simple fun.

As for TSL, the words above are for him and I'm sorry for the hard times he's going through. It may get to the point that he can't put anyone through it anymore, I just hope he does something to make HIM happy.

My eyes hurt and my guitar is staring at me with that look "play me you bitch".....I gotta stop getting aggravated so easily and learn something new.

Peace to all.

Poop.

It's a special thing. It calms the mind and body, euphoric in some sick way. I'm going to try to keep this light today and silly. The election is a damn mess and that is where my focus is today aside from the two year old next to me squirting sticky candy on the desk.

Went to a freinds house last night full of kids and a puppy. Played Simon Says, and Mother May I, and watched an old school scary flick. Peaceful night. Children are so simple yet so complicated. They amaze me at every moment. I've had the thought of getting into some sort of Social Services but I fear it will cause me more heart ach then a feeling of accomplishment.

The men around me are more confusing, I guess I don't voice myself as much as I once did. I want someone who understands where I coming from without having to explain every action or opinion. This is some thing I have to deal with on my own. I am silly and that's all there is to it.

I like being loud and I like when I can make someone smile. More then anything I like the "Remember the time when you..." fill in the dots.

Coffee is good.
Beer is better.
Wish I wore a shirt,
under this wool sweater.
Drop the monster,
have a smoke.
Mac n Cheese
"Amanda Please"
Time to go,
little man's gotta pea.

I think this entry will only be available for a day to read. I have to delete the things that even I can't make sense of. Bye.

Warning the following may be cheesy to most. This is a great song...and so true to real life:

http://www.lyricsmp3.net/D52000/kk51420.htm

If you've got time, visit the sight and download the mp3: Lisa Loeb, Falling in Love. I like the chorus. The time between meeting, and finally leaving is sometimes called falling in love.

Went to Bone's last night for some awesome tunes. Did something I don't allow myself to do too often. I sat and listened. Usually you can find me bouncing around, talking to people, playing pool, or dancing. It's always nice to just sit and listen, enjoy.

The leaves are all fallen and it's election day. My excitement is beyond words. I can't wait to see the ending results.

I wanted to go to a friends last night to watch "Blair Witch Project". It's a hell of a scary movie, but things got fouled up. Kelly and I went with John to the S.P.C.A. so he can adopt a lovely four month old Pitbull mix. You believe they wouldn't let him adopt her due to not having an established relationship with a vet.!!! He hasn't had a dog in five years and they wouldn't give him one because of that. What a bunch of bull. He was so bummed out it broke my heart. So Kelly and I are going up there today to see if they will allow me to adopt her. I have a dog and a damn vet. Wish me luck.

So I'm hoping for scary movie night tonight. Mel, can I?? Please please. Hot Choco. and pop corn here I come. Last words for the day. My friend wrote this for me and I am blown away, here it is:

What can I say about the day?
Special to me in a very secret way.
Hiding in caves only they know exist
Wanting to live out my days in such bliss.
This path I have found may lead me to grow old alone.
Greatful to the people and places I've known.
Living in pasts though never letting it be shown.
In your arms in where I truly call home.

The warm weather has beckoned the ladybugs out of hiding. It's magical in a way only I could find.

My stomach hurts, nerves are shot. My mom didn't know not to say anything, but she did. She slipped out a secret and I fear my friend is in trouble.

Me and Mel won first prize on Saturday night for our conjoined twins costume. Fifty bucks and spent on booze. Good Times. The band tore it up. Congrats SOUR JOE, you guys be proud it was rockin'.

Last night I dressed as a dead bride and took the kiddie trick or treating. Not many people were home, or if they were, they didn't answer. My mom house was a burst of Halloween. Loved it.

Hope your all doing a little bit better than I. Peace. Any ideas, want me to write about something specific. Let me know, comment below.