We're all human

A merry Christmas for me was seeing how well my friends and family really know who I am. They are better acquainted with me then I am myself. Thank you. I found more meaning, what I will do with it is yet unknown. The best memories are not seen as clearly as photographs you can hold in your hand as they are the images and feelings we hold in the memories within our minds.

Dimple D. The album means so much more to me than I could express. One more of the few I can sit and write to.

My life has become a long game of chess. Always analyzing what move would be best in the long run. Trying to find the fastest move to check mate without losing too many pieces of myself in the process. It looks easier to just take it as it happens and that may be my new approach. I've grown accustomed to fear fearing the next move. The anticipations alone takes the enjoyment out of what may be a lesson from my mistakes.

It's been a hell of a year. I've lost the most this year, as far as loved ones go, not only to death, but also to my own demise. I have learned the most through this process. I've grown more mentally this year then I have in the past five. It almost took going completely crazy to realize that I was doing myself wrong. Sometimes the only way you can find your way out is to get really really lost. Here I am. Welcoming 2005 with open arms. Party at Mel's with lots of good friends and lots of J-E-L-L-O shots. Happy New Year to all. I hope your 2004 was rewarding and I wish you all luck, health, and happiness in the year to come.

Tuesday, and what have you done,
a bunch of useless shopping,
and you know your forgetting at least some one,
Merry merry Christmas, don't buy me a thing,
Cause I don't want to have to go back to Wal-Mart,
to find you a last minute some thing.

Ha ha. Well folks. I still have shopping to do. I'm tired, and not nearly done with all the other holiday preparations. I am excited. I love the Christmas Eve service that my church holds, and I love watching kids open presents. I admit, at 24 years old, I am still the first one up on Christmas day. I also admit that I stumble around the house slightly louder than normal to try and wake up the rest of the family. PRESENTS! I get more excited to give than receive. Receiving is also quite nice.

It's been hard to Blog with everything going on. I had a nice long conversation with my friend who is in Iraq. He will be home soon!! I fear the war has changed him, how could it not. He is always the life of the party and I don't want to see that mischievous glimmer dim in his eyes. He's so much more serious now, and though I can understand, I don't want to. I don't want my friends to spend their days worrying. I can't make everything all better, but I can make you smile. What does worrying do? Really? Only action can help fix your problems, worrying just makes them seem more extreme.

So merry four days before Christmas, don't worry about the people who hand you a gift while your hand is empty, it's not about the money or the presents. We Christians know the meaning. To those of you who are not, please then, celebrate your family, and company, and your life, and most of all for what you do have. Cast your worries under the rug for this one day. My Grandmother wasn't sick last year, but I knew it was my last Christmas with her. I just knew. I enjoyed it, I listened to her more intently then ever. She loved to just sit back and watch us, with joy in her eyes. Just watching her family be together. When she passed, eight days after New Year's, I promised that I wouldn't let it bring tears to my eyes for this Christmas 2004. I promised to celebrate it in all it's meaning and be so grateful for the last Christmas I did spend with her. I say it again, enjoy your company this holiday. I love you all.

Remember the snow storm last year!! Holy cow we got dumped on. Looks like it will be another white Christmas, see you on the dyke at Kirby Park, I'll be the one in on the sled full of other adults, acting like children!

Trevor, the 2 yr. old, is just the sweetest thing in the world today. He has me and Kelly laughing and smiling. It's great and it helps put me in the Christmas spirit when his little voice sings out Jingle Bells. I love days like this.

There are a few albums that I find necessary to sit down and write to. This is one of my favorites. The music itself is such a mix of emotion of that that goes on in my brain. Nights such as this I come home, into my room, turn the dimmest of the three lights on. I light a candle just to play with the wax as I hit walls in my train of thought. I light a cigarette and an incense stick to mask the stench of cigarette. I find the nearest black pen and notebook, hit play on the stereo and sit. It all sound so cliches, but it's me. I let my exact thoughts at this given moment bleed from pen to paper, a lot of it seems too extreme to share with those that read my blog. So words that end up in these countless notebooks don't usually make it into my blog the following day. I'm sure reading back into past entries you can differenciate what was sat down and written out and what seeps from my brain in front of a blinking cursor. I need more nights like these. The world appears so much clearer once I allow myself to relax. I think I come off as calm to others, not so much calm as composed, but there is always a million things jumping around upstairs.

So this is good, tonight is good, and you Buddy? Buddy is good too, chillin' on his bed, peaceful, yet secretly begging me to put out the cigarette.

I don't have many pictures in my room, though each significant. We have a picture of me 2yrs. old, hands clapping and a laugh let out at the second the photographer clicked his camera. We have my friend Jarrad holding his daughter Cassy, adjacent to another of his wife, my best friend Kelly holding her step-daughter. Jarrad will soon be home from serving a year in Iraq. Praise God. Back to pictures....A fairly recent photo of my brother and I. Insignificant to everyone but me. There is a frame split into three 3x5's which contain a friend since 98 Alan, my wonderful father and a crazy friend I haven't seen since Wegman's days named Joe. My favorite of all is a picture takes in a stall of the 1st floor bathroom in G.A.R. after an assembly. We found each other there for a smoke, myself and my best friends from high school, Melany, Kelly, Holly, and poor Katie who got stuck holding the camera. Good times.

Of course I have a few more pictures but you get the idea. We all have our collections of them. Most end up in albums. The most meaningful are on our walls and dressers. Funny.

Maybe I will post a pic or two of my room.

I am one of the most sentimental schleps you will ever meet. I keep every thing that's beautiful with meaning and can tell you the story behind each piece. People, don't live in the past. Please. You will miss the future and the new memories you'd have to add to your past. I am grateful though it may not always show. We're all allowed bouts of unhappiness, but we all bounce back. Some faster, some slower. If you ever struggle, I am here. "Then before and now once more I'm bouncin' round the room." Different album, but good all the same.

I fear this album is coming upon the last song, which means time to rest my eyes. I've had the same headache for days, but I think my form of therapy (writing) has paid off and I'll take advantage that the battle that is my mind is at peace for the night. Good night. Sorry for babbling.

That's right folks, as if littering the entire side of the road with a shitty guard rail blocking off our easy way into the woods wasn't enough, they did it again. They blocked off our other ways in with pieces of guard rails. Damn, gotta admit it, I'm pretty mad. I know we will find other ways in, but this time is a little more serious then it has been in the past, they used to put up piles of rock but we could always drive over it or move shit. I have to do something. I'm thinking, a fifth of whiskey and an axe should get the job done. Do I have any volunteers. ANYONE.

Damn. Sorry for all the profanity, I'm mad.

Seems like I've been single forever. I don't know how to act around those I am interested in. It always seems to come out wrong, what is a girl to do. I'm afraid to speak, rejection is a bitch. This could all end up as a good thing. Can I take the saying "good things come to those who wait" and fly with it. Perhaps. When it all comes down to it, I just want my freedom and most times a relationship can take away from that, I guess when I am ready to compromise, I will be ready.

about things I've left out these last few days. Sarah had her puppies, twelve to be exact. Five boys and seven girls. It is a unique sight to see they climbing on top each other to feed. They yip in tiny puppy voices and momma lays there patiently, knowing her roll. We missed the birth, but she handled it well.

I'm dreaming of days Into the Great Wide Open riding in a tractor through the field planting corn. The sun setting casting splashes of pinks and purples on the horizon. Cheers to memories.

Finally got my Jeep all squared away. It's nice to drive, went all the way to Berwic the other day to see the display, quite nice. Doritos rock.

Hair cuts make the good looking look better. My goal today is to make as little sense as possible.

My parents are on vacation this week and I'm hoping to do a little jammin' with my dad. Still playing a lot these days, trying to learn some entertaining Christmas songs. haven't done much shopping yet, dare I will go out on the few days before Christmas, but I have a good idea of what to get whom.

Also finally heard from a friend that I feared missing. Sounds like he's doing. That's about it, just doing. Aren't we all. I'm hoping to catch some Sting Ray tonight at Bone's. I don't get around to seeing him enough these days and it's always a smile. Time to go find my brain. Bye.

The closer I get the further I push you away. The sounds of thier voices begging me to be more to them than I can handle. I am particularly self absorbed these days. I've run out of things to say without being hurtfull. What do you think would happen if we all spoke our minds? Would we embrace each others opinions or add friends to our enemies list?? Who cares, that is the most significant question.

Fun times to be had this weekend. I promise that.

That's right folks, Sarah's nipples are huge. She going to pop any day and it will be puppy haven here at the Yurkin residence. I am excited and grossed out. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle watching the little bundles of joy fall out of her in little sacks of love. We shall see.

Looks like all the gossip has calmed down, may be due to a lack of the usual suspects at the local pub. Let's see how long it lasts.

Me, I'm here, it's raining and it feels good not to have any alcohol in my system. I'm wanted on the dart league. Why you ask. Because I suck at it, but I'm still fun. We'll see what happens tonight.

Don't have much more to add, watched movies at Kelly's last night. It was half-caste stupidly laying on the living room floor laughing at each other and of course John.

Time to look up Christmas music and forestry trivia. Peace.